Whenever people talk about entering into the BDSM lifestyle, they talk about safety. Learn about safety. I've said it; I've seen other people say it. However, it doesn't do any good to tell people to learn about safety; they actually have to have resources. To this end, I want to do a series of articles on playing safely.
I'll begin with the bondage part of BDSM. Restraining/being restrained is a huge turn-on for a lot of people. The look and feeling of helplessness, the loss of control, the struggle all contribute to an erotic experience for many people. Statistically speaking around 40% of people will try at least light bondage, so it's important to get it right.
The most common and important concern with most restraints involves circulation. It's easy with many restraints to cut off blood flow to the extremities. Cutting off circulation can cause health issues, including blood clots, tissue death (in extreme cases with prolonged restraint), damage to nerves and blood vessels (from the restraint being too tight), and extreme pain when the restraint is removed. Blood clots in the circulatory system could end up in the brain, which may cause a stroke. Be mindful of discoloration of body parts, and if the restrained person says that the part is going numb, do not hesitate to loosen the restraint.
Here are some tips to avoid cutting off circulation:
Cover more surface area: Some leather and padded restraints already cover a decent amount of surface area, and make it less likely that a pressure point will cause damage. The danger of making the restraint too tight is still there. Make sure the person you are restraining relaxes, then make the restraint snug, not tight. You are restraining, not using a tourniquet. Covering more surface area will ensure that the restraint causes less discomfort and is more difficult to escape. Escape can be dangerous, especially in suspensions.
With rope, wrapping several times will distribute pressure across a greater surface area, and it will support more weight without making the tie too tight. It's also less likely to leave marks, although rope burn is still possible, depending on the type you use. Nylon, cotton, and hemp ropes tend to leave fewer marks, especially if they're coated/treated. There are ropes that are too rough to use, and some may even leave splinters in the flesh. It's best to use thicker rope, as well; rope that is too thin is more likely to cause pressure points, and will certainly cover less surface area, unless you wrap several more times than you would with thicker rope. Clothesline, for example, is really too thin. It's usable, but you want something slightly thicker. You also don't want to go too thick; thicker ropes are usually industrial-grade, anyway, and really should not be used for bondage due to low burn speed (the speed at which drawing the rope across skin will cause it to burn) and roughness.
Use the adjustment lock on handcuffs: Handcuffs are commonly associated with bondage, and they're a quick and easy restraint to use. However, there are two things to do when you use handcuffs: adjust them to the correct tightness, so they aren't too tight on the wrist, but adjusted enough that the hand can't slip through, and the things most people forget: the adjustment lock. There could be another name for it; it's just what I call it. There is a hole in the side of each cuff where part of the key (or a small metal rod) goes in to lock them in place. If it's not used, the cuffs can become painfully tight and cut off circulation, as well as doing possible damage to tissue. Even fur-lined cuffs, while reducing the possibility of marks, can be on too tight--and one pair I had covered the mechanism that locks them into place, making them more of a novelty than a quality piece of bondage equipment.
Handcuffs/leg cuffs should not be used to suspend anyone.
Wraps: When using plastic wrap, bondage tape, or some other sort of wrap, make sure you're not pulling hard while you're wrapping. If the wrap is indented relative to the unwrapped skin, it's in danger of being too tight.
Another concern: asphyxiation:
Wrapping rope around a person's neck carries great risk, and I do not recommend it unless you know what you're doing and you're not going to leave the restrained person unsupervised. I mention it because I have seen posture collars made out of rope, which represents risk, but also because I've seen people play with nooses. If you are going to play with a noose, do not do it from a height, as the force from the body falling even a short distance carries the risk of breaking the person's neck or drawing the noose too tight and crushing the larynx. I'm going to stress it: ROPE AROUND THE NECK IS A VERY RISKY IDEA. People are going to do what they want, but I'm going to voice my opinion that it's a terrible idea.
Leaving a gag in a person's mouth that restricts the airway should never be done if the person is going to be left unsupervised at all. It only takes a few minutes to kill someone through asphyxiation. If the nose becomes stuff due to allergies, irritants, or crying, the restrained person could asphyxiate.
Suspension by the arms for a long period of time can asphyxiate a person due to diaphragm exhaustion. Crucifixion works this way as an execution method.
Immobilization through wrapping can restrict breathing if the wrap is over the mouth and nose. Obviously, plastic and latex will block the airways completely, but a cloth wrap can also make it difficult to breathe.
Skin damage:
Constant rubbing against skin can make restraints cause damage, resulting in open wounds. Open wounds pose the risk of infection. Metal cuffs pose this risk on bare skin, as do rougher ropes and other restraints. In the case of an open wound, wash the area with soap and water, then apply an antibiotic ointment and cover the wound with non-stick gauze using cloth tape. Adhesive bandages will work for smaller wounds, but be sure to clean the cut--and clean your restraints, especially if they can hold moisture. Ones that can't are not going to carry bacteria for long; bacteria needs water activity to survive. Ropes and padding can hold sweat and other fluids, so wash them after use.
Suspensions:
With suspensions, the more evenly the weight is distributed, the safer the restrained person will be. Uneven and improper weight distribution can lead to tissue damage, both on the surface at the point of restraint, and possibly on joints and ligaments.
Security/durability:
Durability of restraints matters. Restraints that break easily can be disastrous during play, either due to flailing limbs hitting you--along with part of the restraint, possibly, or, in the case of suspension, the possibility of hitting the floor hard. The more secure and durable your restraints, the less likely you are to have accidents. Do not skimp on hardware.
JT Stockroom
Monday, August 25, 2014
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
The differences between BDSM and abuse
I have been accused of abuse on multiple occasions with my current relationship by people who outside of it. The accusation is baseless and ridiculous on its face. There are many differences between a healthy BDSM relationship (any healthy relationship, really) and an abusive relationship. The differences are not difficult to spot, but I will spell them out for people who don't understand BDSM and need to know how things work.
Isolation
One mark of abusive relationship is the isolation of the victim from friends, family, and work in order to control that person's every move. Allowing a victim his or her own money makes it easier for that person to leave. Keeping him or her away from friends and family makes it difficult to flee to a sympathetic person's home to get away from the abuse. The abuser might take away the victim's means of transportation, as well.
I do not isolate my slave at all. It is in our contract for her to maintain ties with her family, and she does. She maintains contact with her family members, and she has time for her kids. She has her own vehicle. I don't take her money from her.
False remorse
The abuser will administer the abuse, whether physical or psychological, and later apologize, be charming as can be, and soothe the victim. It's a bit like aftercare, really; the abuse is traumatic, and the false remorse smooths it over in a lot of cases.
I make no apologies for what I do with my slave. The pain I cause and the names I call her are what we both wanted from the beginning. I never have to apologize for our BDSM activities, because I've done nothing without her consent.
Lack of consent
The abuse victim never consents to the abuse. There is no safe word or phrase to get out of the abuse. It happens whether the victim wants it to or not.
BDSM is all about consent, when it's healthy, and I obtained my slave's full, explicit, written, un-coerced consent in the beginning of our relationship. How many people can say that they've done so in their own relationships? That consent does not remain implied; if the play goes too far for her for whatever reason, she can stop it with a safe word. Actually, she has more than one, and she has safe actions, as well. Her consent ends when she says her safe phrase.
Threats
The abuser will often threaten the victim with harm to him/her or any children they might have, or to the family of the victim, if the victim threatens to leave.
I would never make such a threat. If she wanted to leave, I'd want to understand why, but I wouldn't threaten her, her children, or any other family member with harm for that decision. The contract is not legally binding. It means something to us--it means a lot to us--but it's not a legal contract. You can't own a person. It does give evidence of consent--as if I'd ever need it.
Two faces
The abuser will show one face in private, but another face when with other people aside from the victim. The victim can never visit family or friends alone. That would give the victim opportunity to talk about the abuse and make a plan to get away.
My slave is always free to visit family by herself, and if she wanted to go to a friend's, she could. She is free to take her children out without me. I love spending time with her, but sometimes, with my work schedule or whatever reason, it's not practical. Sometimes, she just wants to do something special, one-on-one, with one of her children.
Diminishing the victim's self-worth/self-image
The abuser will tell the victim he/she is not good/pretty/smart enough to be with anyone else. The abuser will make the abused feel worthless. Sometimes, the abused will do anything to win the approval of the abuser, thinking the abuse is somehow his/her fault. If only he or she could do better, the abuser wouldn't inflict physical and/or emotional pain. The abuser will never accept anything as good enough.
While humiliation and degradation are parts of BDSM play at times, I never make my slave feel like she's worthless. She's my precious treasure. She's beautiful, and I tell her so. She's sexy, and I tell her that. She cooks wonderful meals, and I thank her and praise her for it. She makes me happy in so many ways, and she knows it.
If you're being abused, get away as soon as you can!
Anyone who does anything without your consent is abusing you. You do not deserve to be abused, and the abuse is not your fault. You should get out of the relationship as soon as possible. There are shelters for victims of abuse in many places, in many countries. You don't have to remain a victim.
The biggest tragedy of abuse cases is that there isn't as much help for it as there should be. Abuse victims often have to start from nothing. There are resources, but the stories I've heard from victims who have used these resources have grim tales to tell. Your safest bet is to recognize the red flags early and get out before the relationship gets serious. As soon as any attempt at isolation happens, get away. As soon as the abuser does something without consent, get away, As soon as the person wants you to quit your job or tries to control your money, get away. Always maintain your ties with family and friends, and if the abuser tries to keep you from doing that, get away.
It's never simple. I know. I've heard too many stories to be naive about it. Just remember that it's not your fault you've been abused. Some abusers are quite good at what they do. You've been manipulated by someone who is better than most people at manipulation. Don't be hard on yourself. Your life is worth it. Your children, if you have any, are worth it.
Last bit of advice: document everything! If you can see a therapist, do it--that's documentation you can use later. If you have kids, get them into therapy, too. It will help later.
Isolation
One mark of abusive relationship is the isolation of the victim from friends, family, and work in order to control that person's every move. Allowing a victim his or her own money makes it easier for that person to leave. Keeping him or her away from friends and family makes it difficult to flee to a sympathetic person's home to get away from the abuse. The abuser might take away the victim's means of transportation, as well.
I do not isolate my slave at all. It is in our contract for her to maintain ties with her family, and she does. She maintains contact with her family members, and she has time for her kids. She has her own vehicle. I don't take her money from her.
False remorse
The abuser will administer the abuse, whether physical or psychological, and later apologize, be charming as can be, and soothe the victim. It's a bit like aftercare, really; the abuse is traumatic, and the false remorse smooths it over in a lot of cases.
I make no apologies for what I do with my slave. The pain I cause and the names I call her are what we both wanted from the beginning. I never have to apologize for our BDSM activities, because I've done nothing without her consent.
Lack of consent
The abuse victim never consents to the abuse. There is no safe word or phrase to get out of the abuse. It happens whether the victim wants it to or not.
BDSM is all about consent, when it's healthy, and I obtained my slave's full, explicit, written, un-coerced consent in the beginning of our relationship. How many people can say that they've done so in their own relationships? That consent does not remain implied; if the play goes too far for her for whatever reason, she can stop it with a safe word. Actually, she has more than one, and she has safe actions, as well. Her consent ends when she says her safe phrase.
Threats
The abuser will often threaten the victim with harm to him/her or any children they might have, or to the family of the victim, if the victim threatens to leave.
I would never make such a threat. If she wanted to leave, I'd want to understand why, but I wouldn't threaten her, her children, or any other family member with harm for that decision. The contract is not legally binding. It means something to us--it means a lot to us--but it's not a legal contract. You can't own a person. It does give evidence of consent--as if I'd ever need it.
Two faces
The abuser will show one face in private, but another face when with other people aside from the victim. The victim can never visit family or friends alone. That would give the victim opportunity to talk about the abuse and make a plan to get away.
My slave is always free to visit family by herself, and if she wanted to go to a friend's, she could. She is free to take her children out without me. I love spending time with her, but sometimes, with my work schedule or whatever reason, it's not practical. Sometimes, she just wants to do something special, one-on-one, with one of her children.
Diminishing the victim's self-worth/self-image
The abuser will tell the victim he/she is not good/pretty/smart enough to be with anyone else. The abuser will make the abused feel worthless. Sometimes, the abused will do anything to win the approval of the abuser, thinking the abuse is somehow his/her fault. If only he or she could do better, the abuser wouldn't inflict physical and/or emotional pain. The abuser will never accept anything as good enough.
While humiliation and degradation are parts of BDSM play at times, I never make my slave feel like she's worthless. She's my precious treasure. She's beautiful, and I tell her so. She's sexy, and I tell her that. She cooks wonderful meals, and I thank her and praise her for it. She makes me happy in so many ways, and she knows it.
If you're being abused, get away as soon as you can!
Anyone who does anything without your consent is abusing you. You do not deserve to be abused, and the abuse is not your fault. You should get out of the relationship as soon as possible. There are shelters for victims of abuse in many places, in many countries. You don't have to remain a victim.
The biggest tragedy of abuse cases is that there isn't as much help for it as there should be. Abuse victims often have to start from nothing. There are resources, but the stories I've heard from victims who have used these resources have grim tales to tell. Your safest bet is to recognize the red flags early and get out before the relationship gets serious. As soon as any attempt at isolation happens, get away. As soon as the abuser does something without consent, get away, As soon as the person wants you to quit your job or tries to control your money, get away. Always maintain your ties with family and friends, and if the abuser tries to keep you from doing that, get away.
It's never simple. I know. I've heard too many stories to be naive about it. Just remember that it's not your fault you've been abused. Some abusers are quite good at what they do. You've been manipulated by someone who is better than most people at manipulation. Don't be hard on yourself. Your life is worth it. Your children, if you have any, are worth it.
Last bit of advice: document everything! If you can see a therapist, do it--that's documentation you can use later. If you have kids, get them into therapy, too. It will help later.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Different Ways to Play With Pain
There are so many ways to play with pain, it's difficult to find a place to begin. I will do these as they come to mind, in no particular order. Disclaimer: don't expect every masochist to love every one of these sensations. Some are downright rare for anyone to find enjoyable.
Spanking: I put it first because most people think of spanking when they think of BDSM, and it can range from really light to fairly heavy. Many people have experienced spanking at some level. It can sting, or it can really sting. A really hard spanking can leave bruising, which, of course, means that sitting is going to cause discomfort later. Most spanking, however, does not leave marks.
Using a paddle to spank spreads the impact over a wider surface area, and is less likely to impact deep tissue. Paddles do sting.
You can also use a belt or leather strap, which will leave narrow red stripes. Welts are also possible if you hit hard enough. We use studded belts, so they hurt more and do leave marks.
Caning thuds. Using a cane can be rather brutal on a submissive, and you must be careful not to hit anywhere where a vital organ can be affected. The lower back has the kidneys, and impact to the spine could result in terrible injury, as well. Aim well; don't be careless (with anything else, either). Canes will leave welted stripes and result in bruising.
Hot wax: Your standard, store-bought candles have wax that burns very briefly, then cools rapidly. At most, candle wax will leave something very like a sunburn. It hurts more the closer it is to the tissue surface, but since it cools very quickly, it will not cause permanent damage. I've used candles from a few inches away with no appreciable damage--just the initial jolt of burning. On sensitive areas like the nipples or the pussy, it can feel quite good.
There are special candles that burn hotter, and there is also hot latex for this kind of play. These materials cool quickly, but the initial burn is more intense. They are still designed not to cause terrible burns, though. They will not leave marks or scars, just redness.
Vampire gloves and needle play: Vampire gloves are leather gloves with tiny metal points along the palm side of the fingers. They are not long enough to draw blood, typically. They hurt more with more pressure applied, and, of course, the more sensitive the area, the more intense the sensation. I love them for full-body massages. It's a prickly sensation.
We all have had shots, so we know what needles feel like. Different parts of the body are more sensitive than others, though, and I've found that the fingers and toes are the worst--or best, depending on perspective--places to use needles. Be careful never to hit bone. It causes severe pain in the form of a horrible ache. Also, make sure any needles you use are sanitized.
In the early days of my time in the lifestyle, I used skewers through labia. These hurt a lot. I have also used needle and thread on labia to sew them shut. This kind of play isn't for the average masochist.
Electricity: There are many different devices that can be used when playing with electricity. The mildest one is the TENS unit. It's a medical device, designed for physical therapy. There are small, portable, battery-operated units that can deliver a decent shock, but I've used the wall units on the highest setting without any detrimental effects. You should avoid using putting any current through an area where it might cross the heart. 400 milliamps can cause a heart attack, but a TENS unit typically does not have this much current. I've used them on nipples and on the pussy. Just don't put electrodes on either side of the heart with any unit.
There's the violet wand. If you have ever had a shock from static electricity, you've felt the shock of a violet wand. There are several attachments you can get to fit your nefarious purposes.
There are electric insertables that can be used. They tend to get somewhat hot eventually, so I wouldn't recommend prolonged use.
I have played with a 9-volt battery, which also gets hot, so it can't be used for very long at once. I like to use it on the tongue for punishment. I also like to use her wetness to coat her clit, then touch the battery to her clit. Women love it or hate it. My slave is not a fan of it.
There's the cattle prod, which is pretty severe, as electrical toys go. It delivers a nasty shock wherever it hits. It's not for everyone, for certain.
Whipping: There are several kinds of whips. There are floggers, cat o' nine tails, scourges, bullwhips, snake whips, signal whips, stock whips...and probably a couple I'm missing. Soft-leather floggers are the mildest, but all of these will sting--some more than others. The floggers aren't going to do damage to the skin; some of the whips will, and a scourge is specifically designed for this purpose. Whips will not do damage to deep tissue, but any recipient of a lash will definitely feel it.
I've improvised with rope for whipping. It's pretty effective, but a heavy rope will thud; thinner ropes will sting.
Cutting: People who are into blood play will often bring blades of various types into it, from scalpels to utility knives, simple razor blades to hunting knives. Anything sharp that can be easily sanitized is useful for cutting. Now, the sharper the blade, the less pain will be involved initially, but alcohol on the wound will get a reaction sometimes. Sweat dripping into it will cause pain. My favorite is Liquid Skin, which can be brushed on to seal the cut. It burns like fire.
Flaying: Flaying is simply the act of cutting away the epidermis (skin surface) to expose the dermis. The dermis is really sensitive to every kind of sensation. Of course, cutting away skin isn't for the unskilled. Anyone who wants to try flaying should definitely become educated on the subject before they do it.
Burning/fire play: I should not have to warn anyone that fire is dangerous, but please understand that fire is fucking dangerous. Playing with it takes great care and should not be taken at all lightly.
Some fire play is done by brushing a flammable, volatile (rapidly-evaporating) substance on skin, then lighting it on fire. It will burn up very quickly and leave something like a mild sunburn. I don't do this kind of fire play. It's done more for the threat and the fear reaction than for the sensation. I highly recommend researching it before trying it.
Some people use the threat of a blow torch to get reactions. That can be fun, but remember, a blow torch is very dangerous to skin, and can cause third and fourth degree burns very quickly. The last thing you need is a burn that requires a hospital visit, and one that leaves permanent damage to boot.
One thing I have done with a couple of women involves a lighter. I've used both a Bic and a Zippo; the Bic is the less harsh of the two. The Zippo burns very hot, and must be used with caution. What I do is hold the lighter lit for several seconds (15 seconds for a Zippo is adequate; 30 seconds to a minute for a Bic), making the submissive watch the flame as I do, talking her through it, then I let the lighter go out (or blow it out, with the Zippo) and touch the hot metal to her skin. I focus on the underside of the breasts or on the inner thighs, mostly, but it can pretty much be done anywhere where marks are okay. After the metal cools enough not to burn, but is still quite warm, I hold it against her clit and rub it till she has an orgasm, or I deny it if I'm edging her. Then I repeat the process. Again, and again, and again. The women I've done it with were crying hysterically by the time we were done, but they loved it.
Bics leave a smiley-face mark. Zippos leave something resembling a chain link.
I've also put out cigarettes on a woman's flesh. Made patterns. Left scars. The scars fade, and are barely noticeable after about a year.
Biting: Biting can be fun. Primal. Savage. It will typically leave bruises. If you break skin, be sure to disinfect the wound quickly.
My slave will come to orgasm much more quickly if I'm biting her while I'm rubbing her clit or stimulating her g-spot. I also nibble and bite her clit during oral sex.
Hair pulling: A lot of women like their hair pulled during sex. I go a bit farther than that. I will lead my slave by her hair to where I want her. I have controlled her by her hair during an entire session, never letting go once, except for maybe a split second while switching hands.
With hair pulling, the thing to remember is to grab a lot of it and hold it near the roots. First of all, it gives you more control; if her hands are free, she can simply grab her hair at a point closer to her head and stop the pain. Secondly, you don't want to pull her hair out, and if you grab a lot near the roots, you spread the pull over many more strands, making it less likely to pull them out. Finally, it's safer--you will be less likely to have her move somewhere you don't want her to be if your hand is closer to her head.
Wooden pony: The wooden pony is a piece of wood, usually triangular, that is designed to abuse the pussy (though I imagine it wouldn't feel good on male parts, either). The submissive is positioned so her pussy is close to the board, standing tiptoe, so as her calves tire from holding her pussy above it, she will rest on the board. As she rests, she becomes uncomfortable, because the angle gives no support. She eventually raises herself up again, then tires. Raises again, tires. In the meantime. you can be talking to her, whipping her...well, use your imagination and your style of play. The wooden pony leaves the pussy tender and sore, and for a slave like mine, who loves pussy abuse, it's an ideal time for fucking.
Pussy abuse: There are many ways to abuse the pussy. I give it special mention here because it's one of the things my slave really enjoys, and something from which I get a lot of delightful reaction. After I make her orgasm several times, I slap her pussy, pinch her labia, and fuck her with four fingers side-by-side, so she's sore inside and out. When I fuck her, she moans in pain and begs for ice to relieve the sensation--but she truly loves it, and she is very likely to orgasm from penetration if she's sore.
Fisting: Inserting the whole hand into a pussy or ass can be really painful. Lubrication will make it a lot easier, and with repeated fisting, the sensation will become familiar and less severe, but it hurts in most cases, especially when the submissive has a smaller frame.
Sounding: Sounding is the insertion of metal rods into the urethra. I am far from an expert on this one. I have only seen it once.
I'm sure I'm missing some forms of play (the rack, for example), and I could write a whole article on uncomfortable positions, but I'm sure this is enough to get the imagination going. I will add more as I think of them.
Spanking: I put it first because most people think of spanking when they think of BDSM, and it can range from really light to fairly heavy. Many people have experienced spanking at some level. It can sting, or it can really sting. A really hard spanking can leave bruising, which, of course, means that sitting is going to cause discomfort later. Most spanking, however, does not leave marks.
Using a paddle to spank spreads the impact over a wider surface area, and is less likely to impact deep tissue. Paddles do sting.
You can also use a belt or leather strap, which will leave narrow red stripes. Welts are also possible if you hit hard enough. We use studded belts, so they hurt more and do leave marks.
Caning thuds. Using a cane can be rather brutal on a submissive, and you must be careful not to hit anywhere where a vital organ can be affected. The lower back has the kidneys, and impact to the spine could result in terrible injury, as well. Aim well; don't be careless (with anything else, either). Canes will leave welted stripes and result in bruising.
Hot wax: Your standard, store-bought candles have wax that burns very briefly, then cools rapidly. At most, candle wax will leave something very like a sunburn. It hurts more the closer it is to the tissue surface, but since it cools very quickly, it will not cause permanent damage. I've used candles from a few inches away with no appreciable damage--just the initial jolt of burning. On sensitive areas like the nipples or the pussy, it can feel quite good.
There are special candles that burn hotter, and there is also hot latex for this kind of play. These materials cool quickly, but the initial burn is more intense. They are still designed not to cause terrible burns, though. They will not leave marks or scars, just redness.
Vampire gloves and needle play: Vampire gloves are leather gloves with tiny metal points along the palm side of the fingers. They are not long enough to draw blood, typically. They hurt more with more pressure applied, and, of course, the more sensitive the area, the more intense the sensation. I love them for full-body massages. It's a prickly sensation.
We all have had shots, so we know what needles feel like. Different parts of the body are more sensitive than others, though, and I've found that the fingers and toes are the worst--or best, depending on perspective--places to use needles. Be careful never to hit bone. It causes severe pain in the form of a horrible ache. Also, make sure any needles you use are sanitized.
In the early days of my time in the lifestyle, I used skewers through labia. These hurt a lot. I have also used needle and thread on labia to sew them shut. This kind of play isn't for the average masochist.
Electricity: There are many different devices that can be used when playing with electricity. The mildest one is the TENS unit. It's a medical device, designed for physical therapy. There are small, portable, battery-operated units that can deliver a decent shock, but I've used the wall units on the highest setting without any detrimental effects. You should avoid using putting any current through an area where it might cross the heart. 400 milliamps can cause a heart attack, but a TENS unit typically does not have this much current. I've used them on nipples and on the pussy. Just don't put electrodes on either side of the heart with any unit.
There's the violet wand. If you have ever had a shock from static electricity, you've felt the shock of a violet wand. There are several attachments you can get to fit your nefarious purposes.
There are electric insertables that can be used. They tend to get somewhat hot eventually, so I wouldn't recommend prolonged use.
I have played with a 9-volt battery, which also gets hot, so it can't be used for very long at once. I like to use it on the tongue for punishment. I also like to use her wetness to coat her clit, then touch the battery to her clit. Women love it or hate it. My slave is not a fan of it.
There's the cattle prod, which is pretty severe, as electrical toys go. It delivers a nasty shock wherever it hits. It's not for everyone, for certain.
Whipping: There are several kinds of whips. There are floggers, cat o' nine tails, scourges, bullwhips, snake whips, signal whips, stock whips...and probably a couple I'm missing. Soft-leather floggers are the mildest, but all of these will sting--some more than others. The floggers aren't going to do damage to the skin; some of the whips will, and a scourge is specifically designed for this purpose. Whips will not do damage to deep tissue, but any recipient of a lash will definitely feel it.
I've improvised with rope for whipping. It's pretty effective, but a heavy rope will thud; thinner ropes will sting.
Cutting: People who are into blood play will often bring blades of various types into it, from scalpels to utility knives, simple razor blades to hunting knives. Anything sharp that can be easily sanitized is useful for cutting. Now, the sharper the blade, the less pain will be involved initially, but alcohol on the wound will get a reaction sometimes. Sweat dripping into it will cause pain. My favorite is Liquid Skin, which can be brushed on to seal the cut. It burns like fire.
Flaying: Flaying is simply the act of cutting away the epidermis (skin surface) to expose the dermis. The dermis is really sensitive to every kind of sensation. Of course, cutting away skin isn't for the unskilled. Anyone who wants to try flaying should definitely become educated on the subject before they do it.
Burning/fire play: I should not have to warn anyone that fire is dangerous, but please understand that fire is fucking dangerous. Playing with it takes great care and should not be taken at all lightly.
Some fire play is done by brushing a flammable, volatile (rapidly-evaporating) substance on skin, then lighting it on fire. It will burn up very quickly and leave something like a mild sunburn. I don't do this kind of fire play. It's done more for the threat and the fear reaction than for the sensation. I highly recommend researching it before trying it.
Some people use the threat of a blow torch to get reactions. That can be fun, but remember, a blow torch is very dangerous to skin, and can cause third and fourth degree burns very quickly. The last thing you need is a burn that requires a hospital visit, and one that leaves permanent damage to boot.
One thing I have done with a couple of women involves a lighter. I've used both a Bic and a Zippo; the Bic is the less harsh of the two. The Zippo burns very hot, and must be used with caution. What I do is hold the lighter lit for several seconds (15 seconds for a Zippo is adequate; 30 seconds to a minute for a Bic), making the submissive watch the flame as I do, talking her through it, then I let the lighter go out (or blow it out, with the Zippo) and touch the hot metal to her skin. I focus on the underside of the breasts or on the inner thighs, mostly, but it can pretty much be done anywhere where marks are okay. After the metal cools enough not to burn, but is still quite warm, I hold it against her clit and rub it till she has an orgasm, or I deny it if I'm edging her. Then I repeat the process. Again, and again, and again. The women I've done it with were crying hysterically by the time we were done, but they loved it.
Bics leave a smiley-face mark. Zippos leave something resembling a chain link.
I've also put out cigarettes on a woman's flesh. Made patterns. Left scars. The scars fade, and are barely noticeable after about a year.
Biting: Biting can be fun. Primal. Savage. It will typically leave bruises. If you break skin, be sure to disinfect the wound quickly.
My slave will come to orgasm much more quickly if I'm biting her while I'm rubbing her clit or stimulating her g-spot. I also nibble and bite her clit during oral sex.
Hair pulling: A lot of women like their hair pulled during sex. I go a bit farther than that. I will lead my slave by her hair to where I want her. I have controlled her by her hair during an entire session, never letting go once, except for maybe a split second while switching hands.
With hair pulling, the thing to remember is to grab a lot of it and hold it near the roots. First of all, it gives you more control; if her hands are free, she can simply grab her hair at a point closer to her head and stop the pain. Secondly, you don't want to pull her hair out, and if you grab a lot near the roots, you spread the pull over many more strands, making it less likely to pull them out. Finally, it's safer--you will be less likely to have her move somewhere you don't want her to be if your hand is closer to her head.
Wooden pony: The wooden pony is a piece of wood, usually triangular, that is designed to abuse the pussy (though I imagine it wouldn't feel good on male parts, either). The submissive is positioned so her pussy is close to the board, standing tiptoe, so as her calves tire from holding her pussy above it, she will rest on the board. As she rests, she becomes uncomfortable, because the angle gives no support. She eventually raises herself up again, then tires. Raises again, tires. In the meantime. you can be talking to her, whipping her...well, use your imagination and your style of play. The wooden pony leaves the pussy tender and sore, and for a slave like mine, who loves pussy abuse, it's an ideal time for fucking.
Pussy abuse: There are many ways to abuse the pussy. I give it special mention here because it's one of the things my slave really enjoys, and something from which I get a lot of delightful reaction. After I make her orgasm several times, I slap her pussy, pinch her labia, and fuck her with four fingers side-by-side, so she's sore inside and out. When I fuck her, she moans in pain and begs for ice to relieve the sensation--but she truly loves it, and she is very likely to orgasm from penetration if she's sore.
Fisting: Inserting the whole hand into a pussy or ass can be really painful. Lubrication will make it a lot easier, and with repeated fisting, the sensation will become familiar and less severe, but it hurts in most cases, especially when the submissive has a smaller frame.
Sounding: Sounding is the insertion of metal rods into the urethra. I am far from an expert on this one. I have only seen it once.
I'm sure I'm missing some forms of play (the rack, for example), and I could write a whole article on uncomfortable positions, but I'm sure this is enough to get the imagination going. I will add more as I think of them.
Monday, May 26, 2014
BDSM Play 12: The Dance I Know
My slave was into ballet when she was younger, but she knows many forms of dance. What little I've known of dance, I've forgotten, and I certainly didn't know much in that regard. We were being playful in the bathroom, with her showing me different dances. She started with the tango, then the waltz. I was rather awkward, but we were laughing and having fun. As we prepared for our shower, she told me how in gym class, she led boys in learning how to waltz. When she finished, she was naked. I shoved her up against the bathroom door and said, "This is where I lead." I kissed her, my hand at her throat, not squeezing hard, but just there, threatening, making her hot. "This is the dance I know." I continued to kiss her, one hand at her throat, the other roaming her body. It found her clit, and I rubbed it until she begged permission to cum. "Yes, cum for me, little slut," I whispered in her ear. I released her throat and put an arm around her back to support her as she came, so she wouldn't lose balance.
Being hot from making out and having her orgasm against the bathroom door, we had a more intimate and erotic shower than normal, paying more attention to erogenous zones than normal, kissing more than usual. The dance I know. Seduction. Domination. Painful pleasure. It was all coming, and she knew it. We both knew.
We finished our shower and went to the bedroom. I laid her on her back, grabbed her by her hair, and began to bite her. Biting has become as much a part of our play as asphyxiation. She always needs roughness to orgasm, but certain types of pain get her there more quickly than anything. Biting ranks close to asphyxiation for her. If I'm rubbing her clit hard, she will come from the rough handling of it, but if I sink teeth into her flesh, she'll cum much more quickly, and with more intensity. It's the best time to edge her and build her up to a very intense orgasm. I bit her all over as I denied her orgasm after orgasm, covering her tits, her flat, sexy abdomen, and her legs in marks.
When I finally wanted her to cum, I took her clit into my mouth, draped it over my bottom teeth, and rolled it over them with my tongue, then flicking it, then sucking it in and nibbling it. I bit it, as well, and that's when she asked, "Master, may I please cum?"
I held her clit between my teeth and growled, "Yes, cum for me, whore."
She exploded in pleasure. She went rigid, arched her back, and held her breath through it. I kept at it, prompting more begging for orgasmic release, and she came again and again. Finally, she said, "Master, I'm weak."
I went to the toy bag and got out the studded belt. I made her lay face down on the bed, and I whipped her ass hard with it, ruthlessly alternating from cheek to cheek. After her ass was good and red, I said, "I think your pussy needs some abuse. Turn over and spread your legs."
She complied, and I hit her pussy with the studded belt over and over until I heard, "Master, I'm weak." As soon as I heard the safe phrase, I bound her thighs together with the belt. I went to the toy bag again and brought out the shrink wrap. I made her fold her arms in front of her, and I wrapped the shrink wrap around them so she couldn't break free. I proceeded then to wrap it around her head, leaving only her mouth free. I kissed her.
"Are you ready, little slut?"
"No, Master."
"Does it matter if you are?"
"No, Master."
"You're right, little slut, it doesn't matter. Your will doesn't matter. Mine does." I wrapped her head the rest of the way, covering her mouth. After she could no longer draw breath, she began to struggle, then panic. My hand moved to her pussy. I found her wetness, coated my finger, then began to rub her clit as she writhed and gave muffled, desperate cries. She finally made three short sounds that indicated she couldn't take more. I poked an opening into the shrink wrap at her mouth, allowing her to take in air again. I kissed her briefly between breaths, then I let the rhythm of her breathing go back to normal. When she calmed down, I took more shrink wrap and covered her mouth again, rubbing her clit as well. She came hard, her panic ceasing for the duration of the orgasm. I pulled the shrink wrap away and let her breathe again.
The writhing her panic caused, in addition to her cries, made my cock so hard. I pushed her legs up against her chest, and I pushed my cock inside of her, causing her to moan with pain. The abuse from before left her swollen and sensitive. I fucked her hard, holding her bound arms above her head and against the mattress. I covered her mouth with my hand, causing her to struggle against me. I felt her squirt as she came. I took the belt off of her, spread her legs, and continued to fuck her hard and deep. When she caught her breath, I wrapped my hands around her neck and choked her as I fucked her.
When I released her, I could tell she was struggling for air and was hot. I unwrapped her head. With the plastic wrap out of the way, I could see her pretty blue eyes, full of fear and desperation and pleasure. I was turned on even more, and began slamming my cock into her. Sweat began pouring from me. I wiped my forehead, then I wiped the sweat on her face.
"You like that, little whore? Does it make you feel like a dirty little slut?"
"Yes, Master. I like being your dirty little whore."
I took the plastic off her arms so she could cool off, then I held her arms down. As I fucked her and got more sweaty, I wiped more away and rubbed it on her face. I choked her a few more times before I came. I rolled off, pulled her across the mattress toward the wall so she could stretch her legs, and stroked her hair until she was ready to go clean herself.
"Did you enjoy the dance, baby?"
"Mmmmm...yes, Master. I love it when you lead."
Being hot from making out and having her orgasm against the bathroom door, we had a more intimate and erotic shower than normal, paying more attention to erogenous zones than normal, kissing more than usual. The dance I know. Seduction. Domination. Painful pleasure. It was all coming, and she knew it. We both knew.
We finished our shower and went to the bedroom. I laid her on her back, grabbed her by her hair, and began to bite her. Biting has become as much a part of our play as asphyxiation. She always needs roughness to orgasm, but certain types of pain get her there more quickly than anything. Biting ranks close to asphyxiation for her. If I'm rubbing her clit hard, she will come from the rough handling of it, but if I sink teeth into her flesh, she'll cum much more quickly, and with more intensity. It's the best time to edge her and build her up to a very intense orgasm. I bit her all over as I denied her orgasm after orgasm, covering her tits, her flat, sexy abdomen, and her legs in marks.
When I finally wanted her to cum, I took her clit into my mouth, draped it over my bottom teeth, and rolled it over them with my tongue, then flicking it, then sucking it in and nibbling it. I bit it, as well, and that's when she asked, "Master, may I please cum?"
I held her clit between my teeth and growled, "Yes, cum for me, whore."
She exploded in pleasure. She went rigid, arched her back, and held her breath through it. I kept at it, prompting more begging for orgasmic release, and she came again and again. Finally, she said, "Master, I'm weak."
I went to the toy bag and got out the studded belt. I made her lay face down on the bed, and I whipped her ass hard with it, ruthlessly alternating from cheek to cheek. After her ass was good and red, I said, "I think your pussy needs some abuse. Turn over and spread your legs."
She complied, and I hit her pussy with the studded belt over and over until I heard, "Master, I'm weak." As soon as I heard the safe phrase, I bound her thighs together with the belt. I went to the toy bag again and brought out the shrink wrap. I made her fold her arms in front of her, and I wrapped the shrink wrap around them so she couldn't break free. I proceeded then to wrap it around her head, leaving only her mouth free. I kissed her.
"Are you ready, little slut?"
"No, Master."
"Does it matter if you are?"
"No, Master."
"You're right, little slut, it doesn't matter. Your will doesn't matter. Mine does." I wrapped her head the rest of the way, covering her mouth. After she could no longer draw breath, she began to struggle, then panic. My hand moved to her pussy. I found her wetness, coated my finger, then began to rub her clit as she writhed and gave muffled, desperate cries. She finally made three short sounds that indicated she couldn't take more. I poked an opening into the shrink wrap at her mouth, allowing her to take in air again. I kissed her briefly between breaths, then I let the rhythm of her breathing go back to normal. When she calmed down, I took more shrink wrap and covered her mouth again, rubbing her clit as well. She came hard, her panic ceasing for the duration of the orgasm. I pulled the shrink wrap away and let her breathe again.
The writhing her panic caused, in addition to her cries, made my cock so hard. I pushed her legs up against her chest, and I pushed my cock inside of her, causing her to moan with pain. The abuse from before left her swollen and sensitive. I fucked her hard, holding her bound arms above her head and against the mattress. I covered her mouth with my hand, causing her to struggle against me. I felt her squirt as she came. I took the belt off of her, spread her legs, and continued to fuck her hard and deep. When she caught her breath, I wrapped my hands around her neck and choked her as I fucked her.
When I released her, I could tell she was struggling for air and was hot. I unwrapped her head. With the plastic wrap out of the way, I could see her pretty blue eyes, full of fear and desperation and pleasure. I was turned on even more, and began slamming my cock into her. Sweat began pouring from me. I wiped my forehead, then I wiped the sweat on her face.
"You like that, little whore? Does it make you feel like a dirty little slut?"
"Yes, Master. I like being your dirty little whore."
I took the plastic off her arms so she could cool off, then I held her arms down. As I fucked her and got more sweaty, I wiped more away and rubbed it on her face. I choked her a few more times before I came. I rolled off, pulled her across the mattress toward the wall so she could stretch her legs, and stroked her hair until she was ready to go clean herself.
"Did you enjoy the dance, baby?"
"Mmmmm...yes, Master. I love it when you lead."
Sunday, May 25, 2014
BDSM Play 11: Bondage, Studded Belt, Biting, Knife Play
We got out of the wedding reception early, so my slave and I had time to play at the hotel.
It wasn't lost on me that she wore a 1950s-style dress to the reception, and that her look received a lot of positive attention there. She's into the 1950s housewife role, so the dress kept with the theme of that era, when women were expected to be subservient to their husbands, and didn't have a choice when it came to their wifely duties. The attention she received made me proud as a Master. She did well, making herself alluring, and I felt respected and loved during the reception. She did not leave my side; although it was her family, and I was a stranger there, I felt very much a part of the reception, and not at all like an outsider.
When we returned to the hotel, she stripped, and I laid her down on the bed, face-down. I spanked her ass hard for a bit, then I got the studded belt out and whipped her ass with that until it was bright red.
I tied her wrists together and secured them to the bed frame. I tied each ankle to an opposite corner of the frame, so her legs were spread apart. All of the pale, vulnerable flesh of the back of her was exposed to me, available to mark in any way I chose. Of course, tied this way, her slave mark remained in full view; seeing my mark of ownership on her always turns me on.
I laid partially on her. My left hand found her clit, my right, her throat. I leaned down and bit her between her neck and shoulder. She moaned in pain and ecstasy as I rubbed her clit hard with my right hand. It wasn't long before I heard, "Master, may I please cum? Please?" I denied her. I let go of her flesh with my teeth, stopped rubbing her clit, then sank my teeth into her flesh on a different spot on her back. Her upper back is so sensitive, but she knew that her pain reactions pleased me, so she took the pain of the bites to her back. I fully expected to elicit her safe phrase, but at no point did I hear, "Master, I'm weak." I started rubbing her clit again, and again, she begged my permission to let her cum.
"No, little slut, not yet."
"Please, Master? Please let me cum?"
"Not until I'm ready."
I bit her again, and again, and the growl, the sound I unconsciously make as I'm biting into her flesh, accompanied each sampling of her flesh. I left marks all over her upper back, and I denied her orgasm again and again. After many bites and several denials, I let her have her pleasure. She came with intensity, thrusting her ass in the air as she went rigid, her breath stopping for the duration. She squirted on the bed.
I untied her ankles, but left her wrists tied. I turned her over and climbed on top of her, wrapping my hands around her throat and choking her as I entered and began to thrust. Choking always turns her on, and it makes me so hot. She struggled to free her wrists, and having slack, was finally able to loosen her bonds. Not that it made a difference to her situation; she still lay helplessly underneath me. I bent her arms and held them close to the elbows, and she was as helpless as she was when she was tied. I let go of them to choke her again. She tried to pull my hands away, but to no avail. She never taps out of choking. When her arms started to go limp, I let her go and put her arms back where I wanted them.
I pulled the knife out of its sheath, which lay nearby. I lay the cold steel against her neck, the dull side pushing into her flesh. I fucked her harder, and her wetness grew with the threat of the knife present. I threw the knife aside, out of her reach, to choke her again, and when I released her, I grabbed it again and returned it to her neck. I menaced her with the blade side while it was in her view, but when it was out of her sight, I turned it so the dull side was against her neck again. I fucked her hard and came inside of her.
It wasn't lost on me that she wore a 1950s-style dress to the reception, and that her look received a lot of positive attention there. She's into the 1950s housewife role, so the dress kept with the theme of that era, when women were expected to be subservient to their husbands, and didn't have a choice when it came to their wifely duties. The attention she received made me proud as a Master. She did well, making herself alluring, and I felt respected and loved during the reception. She did not leave my side; although it was her family, and I was a stranger there, I felt very much a part of the reception, and not at all like an outsider.
When we returned to the hotel, she stripped, and I laid her down on the bed, face-down. I spanked her ass hard for a bit, then I got the studded belt out and whipped her ass with that until it was bright red.
I tied her wrists together and secured them to the bed frame. I tied each ankle to an opposite corner of the frame, so her legs were spread apart. All of the pale, vulnerable flesh of the back of her was exposed to me, available to mark in any way I chose. Of course, tied this way, her slave mark remained in full view; seeing my mark of ownership on her always turns me on.
I laid partially on her. My left hand found her clit, my right, her throat. I leaned down and bit her between her neck and shoulder. She moaned in pain and ecstasy as I rubbed her clit hard with my right hand. It wasn't long before I heard, "Master, may I please cum? Please?" I denied her. I let go of her flesh with my teeth, stopped rubbing her clit, then sank my teeth into her flesh on a different spot on her back. Her upper back is so sensitive, but she knew that her pain reactions pleased me, so she took the pain of the bites to her back. I fully expected to elicit her safe phrase, but at no point did I hear, "Master, I'm weak." I started rubbing her clit again, and again, she begged my permission to let her cum.
"No, little slut, not yet."
"Please, Master? Please let me cum?"
"Not until I'm ready."
I bit her again, and again, and the growl, the sound I unconsciously make as I'm biting into her flesh, accompanied each sampling of her flesh. I left marks all over her upper back, and I denied her orgasm again and again. After many bites and several denials, I let her have her pleasure. She came with intensity, thrusting her ass in the air as she went rigid, her breath stopping for the duration. She squirted on the bed.
I untied her ankles, but left her wrists tied. I turned her over and climbed on top of her, wrapping my hands around her throat and choking her as I entered and began to thrust. Choking always turns her on, and it makes me so hot. She struggled to free her wrists, and having slack, was finally able to loosen her bonds. Not that it made a difference to her situation; she still lay helplessly underneath me. I bent her arms and held them close to the elbows, and she was as helpless as she was when she was tied. I let go of them to choke her again. She tried to pull my hands away, but to no avail. She never taps out of choking. When her arms started to go limp, I let her go and put her arms back where I wanted them.
I pulled the knife out of its sheath, which lay nearby. I lay the cold steel against her neck, the dull side pushing into her flesh. I fucked her harder, and her wetness grew with the threat of the knife present. I threw the knife aside, out of her reach, to choke her again, and when I released her, I grabbed it again and returned it to her neck. I menaced her with the blade side while it was in her view, but when it was out of her sight, I turned it so the dull side was against her neck again. I fucked her hard and came inside of her.
Article Review: "A Loving Introduction to BDSM" from Psychology Today
The article is from 2012, but since it appeared in the BDSM group my slave and I admin online, I thought I would give it a review.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201206/loving-introduction-bdsm
The article starts out saying that BDSM is similar to the child's game, "Trust Me", where one person stands behind the other, the person in front falls, and that person has to trust that the person standing behind will catch him or her. I don't want to nitpick, and this isn't really a criticism of the article (more of a side note), but I've only seen this game appear in sitcoms, where a "trust exercise" appeared in a motivational seminar or work-related meeting. Anyway, the article isn't wrong: there is an element of danger, and one person has to trust the other to keep her or him safe, even when they're playing dangerously.
I applaud the article for saying BDSM is not abusive, which it does right off the bat. It elaborates into something my slave and I have said to each other, but I've heard from many in the BDSM community: there is a special bond in lifestyle BDSM, because the rules are laid down in advance of play, and there's always explicit communication about the most intimate details. We've called our bond "stronger than marriage," and we firmly assert that it's the case: we have a commitment based on complete trust, where she has given herself to me completely, mind and body. Not every BDSM relationship is between a loving, committed couple, however; the sexual relationship is based on trust if it's done correctly, but not all BDSM involves 24/7 observance of rules and roles. People get together for one-time encounters. They have casual partners. They bring in a third in their couple's play. There are all kinds of ways to do BDSM, but whatever the case, there should be up-front negotiation of limits and rules. Whether that negotiation leads to the kind of commitment described in the article depends on whether the relationship extends beyond sex.
The article briefly touches on the history of BDSM, but really only touches on sadomasochism's origins, not domination and submission. A D/s relationship does not necessarily involve pain, so only mentioning sadomasochism narrows the focus of BDSM play to eroticism that involves a sadist and a masochist. A day interacting with people in the lifestyle reveals that it's not the full picture. My relationship involves a sadistic Master and a masochistic slave, but our way isn't the only way to play--not by a long shot. Domination also involves seduction, forcefulness, firmness, tone, confidence, and nurturing, and not all punishments for rule-breaking involve pain, either. Isolation, performance of tasks, humiliation, and special favors outside of the norm can be punishment.
The author proceeds to tell us about the prevalence of BDSM, saying two to three percent play with the lifestyle. I agree with that number. Some say that it's become mainstream, but I think that's only because more people are coming into it with unrealistic expectations that come from a popular book series, not because people are truly entering the lifestyle permanently.
I have a bone of contention with the ideas given as examples of how "..BDSM imagery pervades society." Political and economic power do not involve trust; they are more in line with examples of abusive relationships. They involve manipulation and malfeasance sometimes, as well as a show of force with a lack of consent. A true example would be representative government; the people give power over to representatives, whom they trust to handle the running of society. Elections represent the safe word, along with special elections and impeachment. The desire to control doesn't represent BDSM in any true sense; the gift of power and the ability to influence the will of the people without betraying their trust is a far better ideal, I think, and a far more accurate representative of the lifestyle as it exists today.
Enough of my political soapbox; let's move on to the idea that BDSM is never abusive, an idea that the article addresses well. It's true that a BDSM relationship necessitates consent, if limits and safe words are observed, but to say that BDSM is more theatrical than real strikes me as a bit odd. The sensations are very real. The seduction: real. The control: real. It's not just an act; it's sex, and the role of submissive and dominant are not just parts played by 24/7 lifestyle couples. The submissive lives to please her dominant, and the dominant has a responsibility to keep her safe during play and care for her afterwards.
I wish the next part didn't appear in the article, because it's been positive toward BDSM overall--but this statement told me that the author definitely doesn't participate in BDSM and didn't observe it very well. It reiterates the statement, "BDSM is more theatrical than real," then goes on to say that "...participants carefully choreograph their moves in advance." This "choreography" might occur with some scene players, but it's certainly not true of me and my slave, nor are we a rare exception. I could see professionals doing it for their submissive clients, or porn actors doing it on film, but in a relationship? No. What we do often unfolds organically. I think constant choreography of scenes would seem forced and contrived.
The article starts going wildly off the mark at this point, unfortunately, but with a common misconception that persists even in the BDSM community. The notion that subs are ultimately in charge of play because of the use of safe words both ignores what would happen if a safe word gets abused and sweeps aside the skill, knowledge, and confidence of the dominant. A submissive abusing a safe word betrays trust, too, and if it's used flippantly, the sub destroys the relationship. Also, a good dominant knows how to persuade, how to push soft limits, and how to read the body language of the submissive. He knows how to maintain control and flow of play. The safe word does not exist to control play, but only to stop sensation that goes beyond the limit the submissive can take. To say that this puts the submissive in charge not only ignores that fact that submissives (unless they're topping from the bottom) are eager to please the dominant, but also reveals ignorance of how domination works. Most submissives will not simply submit to anyone; dominants must seduce them into it. They must make activity that might be unpleasant under normal circumstances reasonable, pleasurable, and desirable to the submissive (of course, masochists enjoy the pain--but it's still about context, as the article points out).
I don't disagree with how the article suggests getting into BDSM; I've given similar advice, and it's far better than the advice the professional dominatrix gave in the article I reviewed several weeks ago. However, in the next section, there's some woefully inadequate information on how to begin playing. I literally face-palmed at "If the latter, blindfolding the sub can be fun," in relation to B&D. Discipline is the "D" in "B&D", which implies that some sort of discipline is involved in the play. What could qualify as discipline...oh, I don't know...maybe spanking? Anyway, take the advice in the "Learning the Ropes" section: visit websites, clubs, or classes. Read a book--not fiction! Fiction is great for fantasy, but artistic license or ignorance of the lifestyle can lead a person new to it down an unsafe path. In any case, while you are learning about how people play, figure out what sounds hot to you, and start with those things.
The article ends on a reasonable and positive note, making a case for BDSM necessitating intimacy, which is healthy for relationships. I definitely agree. Although the author has limited understanding of how people play and how BDSM relationships work, his understand was good enough to recognize that it's not abuse, it's built on trust, it's not dehumanizing, and that it is fulfilling, intimate, and healthy. Although I have some disagreements with the author, the article is a positive for BDSM overall. It counteracts outdated notions about how mental disorders are responsible for why people participate in this kind of play. It separates cruelty from the sadism that exists in the lifestyle. Finally, it's nice to see someone who is clearly an outsider recognize that strong, loving bonds exist in the BDSM community, and that it's the nature of BDSM that is--at least partially-responsible.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201206/loving-introduction-bdsm
The article starts out saying that BDSM is similar to the child's game, "Trust Me", where one person stands behind the other, the person in front falls, and that person has to trust that the person standing behind will catch him or her. I don't want to nitpick, and this isn't really a criticism of the article (more of a side note), but I've only seen this game appear in sitcoms, where a "trust exercise" appeared in a motivational seminar or work-related meeting. Anyway, the article isn't wrong: there is an element of danger, and one person has to trust the other to keep her or him safe, even when they're playing dangerously.
I applaud the article for saying BDSM is not abusive, which it does right off the bat. It elaborates into something my slave and I have said to each other, but I've heard from many in the BDSM community: there is a special bond in lifestyle BDSM, because the rules are laid down in advance of play, and there's always explicit communication about the most intimate details. We've called our bond "stronger than marriage," and we firmly assert that it's the case: we have a commitment based on complete trust, where she has given herself to me completely, mind and body. Not every BDSM relationship is between a loving, committed couple, however; the sexual relationship is based on trust if it's done correctly, but not all BDSM involves 24/7 observance of rules and roles. People get together for one-time encounters. They have casual partners. They bring in a third in their couple's play. There are all kinds of ways to do BDSM, but whatever the case, there should be up-front negotiation of limits and rules. Whether that negotiation leads to the kind of commitment described in the article depends on whether the relationship extends beyond sex.
The article briefly touches on the history of BDSM, but really only touches on sadomasochism's origins, not domination and submission. A D/s relationship does not necessarily involve pain, so only mentioning sadomasochism narrows the focus of BDSM play to eroticism that involves a sadist and a masochist. A day interacting with people in the lifestyle reveals that it's not the full picture. My relationship involves a sadistic Master and a masochistic slave, but our way isn't the only way to play--not by a long shot. Domination also involves seduction, forcefulness, firmness, tone, confidence, and nurturing, and not all punishments for rule-breaking involve pain, either. Isolation, performance of tasks, humiliation, and special favors outside of the norm can be punishment.
The author proceeds to tell us about the prevalence of BDSM, saying two to three percent play with the lifestyle. I agree with that number. Some say that it's become mainstream, but I think that's only because more people are coming into it with unrealistic expectations that come from a popular book series, not because people are truly entering the lifestyle permanently.
I have a bone of contention with the ideas given as examples of how "..BDSM imagery pervades society." Political and economic power do not involve trust; they are more in line with examples of abusive relationships. They involve manipulation and malfeasance sometimes, as well as a show of force with a lack of consent. A true example would be representative government; the people give power over to representatives, whom they trust to handle the running of society. Elections represent the safe word, along with special elections and impeachment. The desire to control doesn't represent BDSM in any true sense; the gift of power and the ability to influence the will of the people without betraying their trust is a far better ideal, I think, and a far more accurate representative of the lifestyle as it exists today.
Enough of my political soapbox; let's move on to the idea that BDSM is never abusive, an idea that the article addresses well. It's true that a BDSM relationship necessitates consent, if limits and safe words are observed, but to say that BDSM is more theatrical than real strikes me as a bit odd. The sensations are very real. The seduction: real. The control: real. It's not just an act; it's sex, and the role of submissive and dominant are not just parts played by 24/7 lifestyle couples. The submissive lives to please her dominant, and the dominant has a responsibility to keep her safe during play and care for her afterwards.
I wish the next part didn't appear in the article, because it's been positive toward BDSM overall--but this statement told me that the author definitely doesn't participate in BDSM and didn't observe it very well. It reiterates the statement, "BDSM is more theatrical than real," then goes on to say that "...participants carefully choreograph their moves in advance." This "choreography" might occur with some scene players, but it's certainly not true of me and my slave, nor are we a rare exception. I could see professionals doing it for their submissive clients, or porn actors doing it on film, but in a relationship? No. What we do often unfolds organically. I think constant choreography of scenes would seem forced and contrived.
The article starts going wildly off the mark at this point, unfortunately, but with a common misconception that persists even in the BDSM community. The notion that subs are ultimately in charge of play because of the use of safe words both ignores what would happen if a safe word gets abused and sweeps aside the skill, knowledge, and confidence of the dominant. A submissive abusing a safe word betrays trust, too, and if it's used flippantly, the sub destroys the relationship. Also, a good dominant knows how to persuade, how to push soft limits, and how to read the body language of the submissive. He knows how to maintain control and flow of play. The safe word does not exist to control play, but only to stop sensation that goes beyond the limit the submissive can take. To say that this puts the submissive in charge not only ignores that fact that submissives (unless they're topping from the bottom) are eager to please the dominant, but also reveals ignorance of how domination works. Most submissives will not simply submit to anyone; dominants must seduce them into it. They must make activity that might be unpleasant under normal circumstances reasonable, pleasurable, and desirable to the submissive (of course, masochists enjoy the pain--but it's still about context, as the article points out).
I don't disagree with how the article suggests getting into BDSM; I've given similar advice, and it's far better than the advice the professional dominatrix gave in the article I reviewed several weeks ago. However, in the next section, there's some woefully inadequate information on how to begin playing. I literally face-palmed at "If the latter, blindfolding the sub can be fun," in relation to B&D. Discipline is the "D" in "B&D", which implies that some sort of discipline is involved in the play. What could qualify as discipline...oh, I don't know...maybe spanking? Anyway, take the advice in the "Learning the Ropes" section: visit websites, clubs, or classes. Read a book--not fiction! Fiction is great for fantasy, but artistic license or ignorance of the lifestyle can lead a person new to it down an unsafe path. In any case, while you are learning about how people play, figure out what sounds hot to you, and start with those things.
The article ends on a reasonable and positive note, making a case for BDSM necessitating intimacy, which is healthy for relationships. I definitely agree. Although the author has limited understanding of how people play and how BDSM relationships work, his understand was good enough to recognize that it's not abuse, it's built on trust, it's not dehumanizing, and that it is fulfilling, intimate, and healthy. Although I have some disagreements with the author, the article is a positive for BDSM overall. It counteracts outdated notions about how mental disorders are responsible for why people participate in this kind of play. It separates cruelty from the sadism that exists in the lifestyle. Finally, it's nice to see someone who is clearly an outsider recognize that strong, loving bonds exist in the BDSM community, and that it's the nature of BDSM that is--at least partially-responsible.
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