Mistakes Dominants Make

Everyone makes mistakes.  No matter how deserving you may think your dominant is of your respect, or even worship, that person is still a human being, and that means making mistakes.  I can't speak for all dominants, but I can speak for myself, and speculate on mistakes others might make.  I can also talk about things I've observed.  This list won't be comprehensive, but hopefully, it will get people thinking about the mistakes they make themselves.


The first mistake that stands out in my mind comes from experience: it is possible to introduce too many sensations into a single session, especially with a new submissive.  I played for over a decade, then went without for a bit, had a disappointing session with a submissive who lied about being a masochist, then ended up with another submissive,  whom I carefully screened before seeing.  She was able to take some of the stuff I did to her, but I tried to do too much, too fast.  That's not how I normally played; I would take my time, doing a couple things per session...but this time, I just tried to shove everything into a night.  She just got overloaded and didn't really enjoy herself as a result.  To be fair to myself, I was going through a lot of stress, and I wanted to unload it all at once.  I wasn't ready to be with anyone.  I won't go into all of the reasons, but I really shouldn't have tried at that point in my life.


The aforementioned disappointing session leads to a second mistake I made and other dominants (and submissives, for that matter) make: I did not screen that submissive well.  Sure, she said she was a masochist, she said she had done several things, but when we met and started playing, and she said her safe word during warm-up spankings, I knew she lied.  She admitted later she lied; she liked the idea of all of the things we were discussing, but did not actually have experience with any of it.  So...the way I rectified that mistake was to treat the screening of submissives like a behavioral interview.  Make certain that the candidate gives specific, real-life examples of experiences.  It's much easier to filter out people who are new and pretending to be experienced (there's nothing wrong with new and honest) from the experienced people.

Yet another error dominants make involves a mindset that views all submissives as the same.  They seem to believe that the same sensations, same methods of seduction, same protocol, same everything works for all submissives everywhere.  It's also possible that they're stuck in a mode of thinking and aren't creative enough to come up with new ways to approach different submissives, but in any case, they're wrong to approach every woman the same and expect success.  If they're looking for a certain type of submissive with their approach and can accept rejection, I suppose that's acceptable, but they're always scratching their heads, wondering why they aren't getting anywhere.

A tragic mistake I've heard a couple of dominants make involved leaving their submissives tied up with only their noses to breathe through.  They each left for long stretches, then came back to find their submissives dead from asphyxiation.  Now, asphyxiation can happen in several ways with several ties and positions that are unsafe with an unattended sub (I have a personal policy of only leaving my slave unattended if she can breathe freely and can, if need be, get out of her restraints--the rule of thumb is to never leave my slave unattended!), but leaving only the nose as the breathing orifice is simply dangerous.  Allergies, crying, the beginnings of a cold--all may lead to congested nasal passages, and if that's the only way the sub can breathe, that sub will die.

Finally, before I list items that shouldn't need explanation, I'd like to touch on relationships.  If you're in a BDSM relationship as a dominant, you should be careful not to focus completely on the BDSM part of it.  It might shape most interactions you have with your submissive, but it's easy to get tunnel vision and ignore the other emotional needs of your sub and you.  Friends and family are important.  Exposure to the outside world is important.  Financial matters need attention.  Kink is intoxicating; mundane matters aren't, but some of those mundane matters my become major crises if they're ignored.  Give yourself time for the little things, before they become big things.

Here's a list of mistakes that dominants make that should need little elaboration (some of these are common sense, or should be):

• Thinking all submissives should be submissive to them automatically
• Hitting parts of the body where bones are close to the skin surface or vital organs might be damaged (some implements only have surface impact, but others can be very dangerous)
• Making restraints so tight, they cut off the circulation
• Being too close while flogging, whipping, or using a belt--it's easy to hit yourself and harder to aim.  Also, positioning is important.  Hitting your shin with a studded belt on the follow-through hurts like hell. 
• Not providing aftercare.  Aftercare is incredibly important for the emotional well-being of the submissive, and, I would argue, the well-being of the dominant, as well.  
• Not separating fantasy from reality.  Not all fantasies are safe or sane in the real world, even if they are consensual--and you wouldn't believe what kinds of things people will give consent for you to do. 

I may come back to this list and make additions as I think of them, but I'd love your thoughts and stories.