What is a dim dom? It's a difficult label to define, but some examples of behavior might give us a clue:
- Domination by default: If you expect obedience and submission from everyone you meet, you're a dim dom. You are not dominant just because you say so; you're dominant because you are able to get someone to want to submit to you. If you can't get anyone to submit to you, then you need to do research, get a mentor, read a book, take a class--you are the problem, and you need to change, not the subs who aren't into you.
- Fiction is your guide: If you treat scenes as reenactments of porn, or worse, if you use Twilight fan fiction or bad science fiction as your BDSM guide, you are a dim dom. You can play by any set of rules you like, but fiction doesn't teach you about risks, precautions, best practices, or techniques.
- Consent is optional: If you think consent is optional, if you don't believe in safe words, if it's more of a turn-on if you don't get consent, you're not only a dim dom, you're dangerous. You shouldn't be anywhere near a BDSM partner.
- One-trick ponies: If you approach every submissive in the same way, you're a dim dom. It's okay to have preferences, but not everyone you find is going to be into everything you want. Compromise is key, because consent is key. If you absolutely have to have something that is a hard limit for a sub, then you have to move on or have an open or poly relationship--and that has to be okay with your partner, as well. Rules have to be tempered by reason, and you can't force everyone into your mold.
- No subtlety: If you believe domination is all about aggression and a harsh tone of voice, you're a dim dom. It's also about seduction, persuasion, mental preparation, rules, responsibility, guidance, and subtlety. It's about creativity, knowledge, and skill. It's far more than pushing someone around whom you perceive to be weaker.
- No confidence: So you want to dominate, but when you get a submissive to be with you, you constantly check on her, making sure she's okay every five seconds, ruining the mood. Yes, you want to make sure your submissive is handling what you're giving her/him, but you can do it in ways that incorporate it into your play. Safe words are there to stop play (as long as you honor them). You can take it slowly at first, going light to heavy with anything painful or uncomfortable. You can smack that ass, then rub it, taking time to note the reaction. You can have the sub count to see how steady the voice remains. Asking, "Are you okay? Are you going to panic?" every five minutes is going to make your sub think you're unsure of yourself, which you definitely are.
- No creativity: You get all of your scene ideas from other people, fiction (see above), or your sub, and you have no real ideas of your own. If you can't come up with anything of your own, you are a dim dom.
- Cult BDSM: If you have adopted someone else's rules and consider them unchangeable, you're not only a dim dom, but you're also a cult member.
- The almighty penis: If you think a picture of your cock is enough to get someone to submit to you, you are a dim dom. If you think your penis gives you the right to be dominant, you are a dim dom. That's true the other way around--if you think your vagina gives you all the power, you're not very bright, either. BDSM isn't the vanilla world; your penis or vagina might not be as important as your tone of voice, your air of confidence, your skill at mixing pain with pleasure, your ability to make rules and enforce them, your capacity for nurture, your ability to seduce someone into obedience and worship. Your genitalia are less important to the BDSM community than your mind.
I'm certain this list will grow, but the reader should have an idea now. Do you have contributions to the dim dom list? Comments are welcome.
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