The slave told her family she eloped; her new husband and she were off on her honeymoon.
It was a necessary lie. What she was doing was far more important, far deeper and dearer to her than having family she barely knew and friends who didn't know the real her come to an expensive party with meaningless rituals. No, her Master had more exciting plans, and her family could never know.
Slave girls readied her for the ceremony, weaving several silver chains in her hair, rubbing scented lotion all over her naked flesh, attaching the leash to her metal collar.
When they had her prepared, they presented her to the man who was to walk her down the aisle, a known and respected member of the BDSM community. "Are you ready for your Master, slave?" he asked.
She nodded solemnly, eyes downcast, humble as a good slave should be.
"Crawl to your master," he said, and she obeyed, handing him the leash and dropping slowly to her hands and knees. Slowly, sensually, she crawled along the aisle, watched by people who knew her for who she was, understood her desires, understood the fulfillment absolute obedience and commitment to a master gave to her. The rules, the structure, the discipline, the aftercare...they knew. They were more a part of her world than any family she had, and she was unashamed to be so vulnerable and on display in front of them.
She kept her eyes just ahead of her on the floor, but from a distance, her Master stood in her field of vision. She suppressed a smile, but the sight of him, the memory of her time with him filled her with excitement and longing. As she neared, she bowed her head in respect, waiting for the leash to go into his hand. When it did, she did as they rehearsed: she got on her knees, sat back on her feet, and kept her head bowed as he stood next to her, facing the officiant.
"Masters and Mistresses, Doms and Dommes, slaves and submissives, and those in between," began the officiant, "we come together today to witness this woman give herself to this man completely. From this day until they have no more breath in them, he will remain her Master.
"Sir, do you promise to be her Master, to take full responsibility for enforcing the rules you have agreed upon, honoring her hard limits, caring for her safety and emotional well-being, and treating her as your valued property until your death or hers?"
"I do," the Master replied.
"Slave, do you promise to love, honor, obey, and worship your master, respecting him at all times in all places, and deferring to him in all decisions, except those he allows you to make?"
"I do," the slave responded, head still bowed.
"By the power vested in my by the state, I know pronounce you husband and wife, Master and slave. You may do with her as you will."
Her Master led her down the aisle, crawling as she did before, all eyes on her naked body. As vulnerable and exposed as she was, she never felt more secure.
JT Stockroom
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Dim Doms
My intention with this article is to help dim doms recognize their problem in order to correct it, either by removing themselves from the BDSM community, or by modifying their behavior and becoming assets to the community.
What is a dim dom? It's a difficult label to define, but some examples of behavior might give us a clue:
- Domination by default: If you expect obedience and submission from everyone you meet, you're a dim dom. You are not dominant just because you say so; you're dominant because you are able to get someone to want to submit to you. If you can't get anyone to submit to you, then you need to do research, get a mentor, read a book, take a class--you are the problem, and you need to change, not the subs who aren't into you.
- Fiction is your guide: If you treat scenes as reenactments of porn, or worse, if you use Twilight fan fiction or bad science fiction as your BDSM guide, you are a dim dom. You can play by any set of rules you like, but fiction doesn't teach you about risks, precautions, best practices, or techniques.
- Consent is optional: If you think consent is optional, if you don't believe in safe words, if it's more of a turn-on if you don't get consent, you're not only a dim dom, you're dangerous. You shouldn't be anywhere near a BDSM partner.
- One-trick ponies: If you approach every submissive in the same way, you're a dim dom. It's okay to have preferences, but not everyone you find is going to be into everything you want. Compromise is key, because consent is key. If you absolutely have to have something that is a hard limit for a sub, then you have to move on or have an open or poly relationship--and that has to be okay with your partner, as well. Rules have to be tempered by reason, and you can't force everyone into your mold.
- No subtlety: If you believe domination is all about aggression and a harsh tone of voice, you're a dim dom. It's also about seduction, persuasion, mental preparation, rules, responsibility, guidance, and subtlety. It's about creativity, knowledge, and skill. It's far more than pushing someone around whom you perceive to be weaker.
- No confidence: So you want to dominate, but when you get a submissive to be with you, you constantly check on her, making sure she's okay every five seconds, ruining the mood. Yes, you want to make sure your submissive is handling what you're giving her/him, but you can do it in ways that incorporate it into your play. Safe words are there to stop play (as long as you honor them). You can take it slowly at first, going light to heavy with anything painful or uncomfortable. You can smack that ass, then rub it, taking time to note the reaction. You can have the sub count to see how steady the voice remains. Asking, "Are you okay? Are you going to panic?" every five minutes is going to make your sub think you're unsure of yourself, which you definitely are.
- No creativity: You get all of your scene ideas from other people, fiction (see above), or your sub, and you have no real ideas of your own. If you can't come up with anything of your own, you are a dim dom.
- Cult BDSM: If you have adopted someone else's rules and consider them unchangeable, you're not only a dim dom, but you're also a cult member.
- The almighty penis: If you think a picture of your cock is enough to get someone to submit to you, you are a dim dom. If you think your penis gives you the right to be dominant, you are a dim dom. That's true the other way around--if you think your vagina gives you all the power, you're not very bright, either. BDSM isn't the vanilla world; your penis or vagina might not be as important as your tone of voice, your air of confidence, your skill at mixing pain with pleasure, your ability to make rules and enforce them, your capacity for nurture, your ability to seduce someone into obedience and worship. Your genitalia are less important to the BDSM community than your mind.
I'm certain this list will grow, but the reader should have an idea now. Do you have contributions to the dim dom list? Comments are welcome.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Even if she's done it in the past
I was watching an episode of "Law & Order: SVU" last night with my slave, and the story brought up some interesting points. In the episode, a woman who had done rape fantasy porn had two men corner her in the bathroom at a party and treat her like she'd been treated in the movies she'd done--but without her consent. There is no question in my mind that it was rape. No matter how she'd been treated in films, she had always given explicit consent. That's how the industry works--or should work. The "victim" in the film is aware of what's going to happen, and she can stop it at any time. With the young men who raped her, there was no discussion of safe words or hard limits. I find consensual non-consent hot, as does my slave, but we still enforce hard limits, and a safe word will still stop the play.
In the absence of safe words, "No" and "Stop" are your safe words. Absolutely. Beyond a doubt.
The rape victim didn't get justice, though. The defense attorney used her film work against her, saying that the only difference between what happened to her without her consent and what happened on film was that she didn't get paid. No, that's not the difference. The difference was lack of consent. The difference was a lack of discussion of limits and what was going to happen. Sex workers are not exempt from rape.
That's not really the point I wanted to bring up, though; what went on in my mind was prior knowledge of the sexual activities of submissives--and dominants as well--and how it applies to subsequent BDSM activities with new partners. Some people might have it in their mind that because a submissive or dominant did something with a previous partner, that activity is on the table in the current relationship--but it's not. There still has to be consent. Maybe your new partner isn't comfortable doing that thing with you. Perhaps your lack of experience, lack of knowledge and/or responsibility for safety, or lack of skill (you can have experience without gaining proficiency) makes your partner uncomfortable with a particular act. Maybe the trust has not yet been built.
In short: nothing a person has done in the past with kink gives you an excuse to coerce that individual into the act with you. Consent is essential. The comfort level has to be there.
I've done a lot of things with previous subs that required a lot of trust--dangerous things that could result in serious injury, infection, or even death. That kind of trust doesn't come easily for most people, submissive or dominant. Purely from the dominant perspective, there's the consideration of trust where marks are concerned. Where there's evidence of BDSM play, there's also a potential domestic violence or rape charge. Being able to trust your partner not to have you arrested takes time--sometimes. Some people are able to gain trust more quickly than others, but the bottom line is: if you don't trust your partner with a certain kink, you shouldn't engage in that particular act--and by no means should the other person pressure or coerce you into it.
In the absence of safe words, "No" and "Stop" are your safe words. Absolutely. Beyond a doubt.
The rape victim didn't get justice, though. The defense attorney used her film work against her, saying that the only difference between what happened to her without her consent and what happened on film was that she didn't get paid. No, that's not the difference. The difference was lack of consent. The difference was a lack of discussion of limits and what was going to happen. Sex workers are not exempt from rape.
That's not really the point I wanted to bring up, though; what went on in my mind was prior knowledge of the sexual activities of submissives--and dominants as well--and how it applies to subsequent BDSM activities with new partners. Some people might have it in their mind that because a submissive or dominant did something with a previous partner, that activity is on the table in the current relationship--but it's not. There still has to be consent. Maybe your new partner isn't comfortable doing that thing with you. Perhaps your lack of experience, lack of knowledge and/or responsibility for safety, or lack of skill (you can have experience without gaining proficiency) makes your partner uncomfortable with a particular act. Maybe the trust has not yet been built.
In short: nothing a person has done in the past with kink gives you an excuse to coerce that individual into the act with you. Consent is essential. The comfort level has to be there.
I've done a lot of things with previous subs that required a lot of trust--dangerous things that could result in serious injury, infection, or even death. That kind of trust doesn't come easily for most people, submissive or dominant. Purely from the dominant perspective, there's the consideration of trust where marks are concerned. Where there's evidence of BDSM play, there's also a potential domestic violence or rape charge. Being able to trust your partner not to have you arrested takes time--sometimes. Some people are able to gain trust more quickly than others, but the bottom line is: if you don't trust your partner with a certain kink, you shouldn't engage in that particular act--and by no means should the other person pressure or coerce you into it.
Friday, September 19, 2014
BDSM Play 13: Using her in the garage
Since we've moved, it's been difficult to find the time and privacy to play, but we still do. We still crave it. Still need it. So we find our moments when we can.
My slave sometimes presents the belt to me in my basement office, where we have some privacy. One day, after I reddened her ass with the metal-studded belt, I got up, grabbed her by the hair, and growled in her, ear, "I'm going to use that body now, little whore."
I walked her to the door that led to the garage, then led her over to the couch. This couch was a gift and would have gone into my office, but we couldn't fit it through any door, so we left it out there. Good thing. I had a place to use her hard in private.
I shoved her down onto the couch and mounted her, then grabbed her hair in both of my hands and yanked her head back and down, holding her firmly against the cushion. I fucked her hard, letting go of her hair with one hand to smack her in the head, saying, "You like that, worthless little whore? Nasty little slut!" I grabbed her hair again, then let it go and smacked her, saying something else degrading. She loves degradation and the smacks in the head. It gets her so wet.
Continuing to fuck her hard, I covered her mouth and nose with my hand, cutting off her breath. She began to struggle against me as I thrust, making me want to fuck her even harder. Her reactions made me savage, brutal. I took my hand away from her mouth, let her catch her breath, then put both hands around her neck and fucked her violently.
I came inside of her, smacked her in the head and said, "Now get upstairs and get dinner ready, whore." I went back to work, and she made me dinner. Aftercare started after work, when we sat on the couch together, watching a movie, with me stroking her hair or her breasts.
Monday, August 25, 2014
BDSM Safety: Restraints
Whenever people talk about entering into the BDSM lifestyle, they talk about safety. Learn about safety. I've said it; I've seen other people say it. However, it doesn't do any good to tell people to learn about safety; they actually have to have resources. To this end, I want to do a series of articles on playing safely.
I'll begin with the bondage part of BDSM. Restraining/being restrained is a huge turn-on for a lot of people. The look and feeling of helplessness, the loss of control, the struggle all contribute to an erotic experience for many people. Statistically speaking around 40% of people will try at least light bondage, so it's important to get it right.
The most common and important concern with most restraints involves circulation. It's easy with many restraints to cut off blood flow to the extremities. Cutting off circulation can cause health issues, including blood clots, tissue death (in extreme cases with prolonged restraint), damage to nerves and blood vessels (from the restraint being too tight), and extreme pain when the restraint is removed. Blood clots in the circulatory system could end up in the brain, which may cause a stroke. Be mindful of discoloration of body parts, and if the restrained person says that the part is going numb, do not hesitate to loosen the restraint.
Here are some tips to avoid cutting off circulation:
Cover more surface area: Some leather and padded restraints already cover a decent amount of surface area, and make it less likely that a pressure point will cause damage. The danger of making the restraint too tight is still there. Make sure the person you are restraining relaxes, then make the restraint snug, not tight. You are restraining, not using a tourniquet. Covering more surface area will ensure that the restraint causes less discomfort and is more difficult to escape. Escape can be dangerous, especially in suspensions.
With rope, wrapping several times will distribute pressure across a greater surface area, and it will support more weight without making the tie too tight. It's also less likely to leave marks, although rope burn is still possible, depending on the type you use. Nylon, cotton, and hemp ropes tend to leave fewer marks, especially if they're coated/treated. There are ropes that are too rough to use, and some may even leave splinters in the flesh. It's best to use thicker rope, as well; rope that is too thin is more likely to cause pressure points, and will certainly cover less surface area, unless you wrap several more times than you would with thicker rope. Clothesline, for example, is really too thin. It's usable, but you want something slightly thicker. You also don't want to go too thick; thicker ropes are usually industrial-grade, anyway, and really should not be used for bondage due to low burn speed (the speed at which drawing the rope across skin will cause it to burn) and roughness.
Use the adjustment lock on handcuffs: Handcuffs are commonly associated with bondage, and they're a quick and easy restraint to use. However, there are two things to do when you use handcuffs: adjust them to the correct tightness, so they aren't too tight on the wrist, but adjusted enough that the hand can't slip through, and the things most people forget: the adjustment lock. There could be another name for it; it's just what I call it. There is a hole in the side of each cuff where part of the key (or a small metal rod) goes in to lock them in place. If it's not used, the cuffs can become painfully tight and cut off circulation, as well as doing possible damage to tissue. Even fur-lined cuffs, while reducing the possibility of marks, can be on too tight--and one pair I had covered the mechanism that locks them into place, making them more of a novelty than a quality piece of bondage equipment.
Handcuffs/leg cuffs should not be used to suspend anyone.
Wraps: When using plastic wrap, bondage tape, or some other sort of wrap, make sure you're not pulling hard while you're wrapping. If the wrap is indented relative to the unwrapped skin, it's in danger of being too tight.
Another concern: asphyxiation:
Wrapping rope around a person's neck carries great risk, and I do not recommend it unless you know what you're doing and you're not going to leave the restrained person unsupervised. I mention it because I have seen posture collars made out of rope, which represents risk, but also because I've seen people play with nooses. If you are going to play with a noose, do not do it from a height, as the force from the body falling even a short distance carries the risk of breaking the person's neck or drawing the noose too tight and crushing the larynx. I'm going to stress it: ROPE AROUND THE NECK IS A VERY RISKY IDEA. People are going to do what they want, but I'm going to voice my opinion that it's a terrible idea.
Leaving a gag in a person's mouth that restricts the airway should never be done if the person is going to be left unsupervised at all. It only takes a few minutes to kill someone through asphyxiation. If the nose becomes stuff due to allergies, irritants, or crying, the restrained person could asphyxiate.
Suspension by the arms for a long period of time can asphyxiate a person due to diaphragm exhaustion. Crucifixion works this way as an execution method.
Immobilization through wrapping can restrict breathing if the wrap is over the mouth and nose. Obviously, plastic and latex will block the airways completely, but a cloth wrap can also make it difficult to breathe.
Skin damage:
Constant rubbing against skin can make restraints cause damage, resulting in open wounds. Open wounds pose the risk of infection. Metal cuffs pose this risk on bare skin, as do rougher ropes and other restraints. In the case of an open wound, wash the area with soap and water, then apply an antibiotic ointment and cover the wound with non-stick gauze using cloth tape. Adhesive bandages will work for smaller wounds, but be sure to clean the cut--and clean your restraints, especially if they can hold moisture. Ones that can't are not going to carry bacteria for long; bacteria needs water activity to survive. Ropes and padding can hold sweat and other fluids, so wash them after use.
Suspensions:
With suspensions, the more evenly the weight is distributed, the safer the restrained person will be. Uneven and improper weight distribution can lead to tissue damage, both on the surface at the point of restraint, and possibly on joints and ligaments.
Security/durability:
Durability of restraints matters. Restraints that break easily can be disastrous during play, either due to flailing limbs hitting you--along with part of the restraint, possibly, or, in the case of suspension, the possibility of hitting the floor hard. The more secure and durable your restraints, the less likely you are to have accidents. Do not skimp on hardware.
I'll begin with the bondage part of BDSM. Restraining/being restrained is a huge turn-on for a lot of people. The look and feeling of helplessness, the loss of control, the struggle all contribute to an erotic experience for many people. Statistically speaking around 40% of people will try at least light bondage, so it's important to get it right.
The most common and important concern with most restraints involves circulation. It's easy with many restraints to cut off blood flow to the extremities. Cutting off circulation can cause health issues, including blood clots, tissue death (in extreme cases with prolonged restraint), damage to nerves and blood vessels (from the restraint being too tight), and extreme pain when the restraint is removed. Blood clots in the circulatory system could end up in the brain, which may cause a stroke. Be mindful of discoloration of body parts, and if the restrained person says that the part is going numb, do not hesitate to loosen the restraint.
Here are some tips to avoid cutting off circulation:
Cover more surface area: Some leather and padded restraints already cover a decent amount of surface area, and make it less likely that a pressure point will cause damage. The danger of making the restraint too tight is still there. Make sure the person you are restraining relaxes, then make the restraint snug, not tight. You are restraining, not using a tourniquet. Covering more surface area will ensure that the restraint causes less discomfort and is more difficult to escape. Escape can be dangerous, especially in suspensions.
With rope, wrapping several times will distribute pressure across a greater surface area, and it will support more weight without making the tie too tight. It's also less likely to leave marks, although rope burn is still possible, depending on the type you use. Nylon, cotton, and hemp ropes tend to leave fewer marks, especially if they're coated/treated. There are ropes that are too rough to use, and some may even leave splinters in the flesh. It's best to use thicker rope, as well; rope that is too thin is more likely to cause pressure points, and will certainly cover less surface area, unless you wrap several more times than you would with thicker rope. Clothesline, for example, is really too thin. It's usable, but you want something slightly thicker. You also don't want to go too thick; thicker ropes are usually industrial-grade, anyway, and really should not be used for bondage due to low burn speed (the speed at which drawing the rope across skin will cause it to burn) and roughness.
Use the adjustment lock on handcuffs: Handcuffs are commonly associated with bondage, and they're a quick and easy restraint to use. However, there are two things to do when you use handcuffs: adjust them to the correct tightness, so they aren't too tight on the wrist, but adjusted enough that the hand can't slip through, and the things most people forget: the adjustment lock. There could be another name for it; it's just what I call it. There is a hole in the side of each cuff where part of the key (or a small metal rod) goes in to lock them in place. If it's not used, the cuffs can become painfully tight and cut off circulation, as well as doing possible damage to tissue. Even fur-lined cuffs, while reducing the possibility of marks, can be on too tight--and one pair I had covered the mechanism that locks them into place, making them more of a novelty than a quality piece of bondage equipment.
Handcuffs/leg cuffs should not be used to suspend anyone.
Wraps: When using plastic wrap, bondage tape, or some other sort of wrap, make sure you're not pulling hard while you're wrapping. If the wrap is indented relative to the unwrapped skin, it's in danger of being too tight.
Another concern: asphyxiation:
Wrapping rope around a person's neck carries great risk, and I do not recommend it unless you know what you're doing and you're not going to leave the restrained person unsupervised. I mention it because I have seen posture collars made out of rope, which represents risk, but also because I've seen people play with nooses. If you are going to play with a noose, do not do it from a height, as the force from the body falling even a short distance carries the risk of breaking the person's neck or drawing the noose too tight and crushing the larynx. I'm going to stress it: ROPE AROUND THE NECK IS A VERY RISKY IDEA. People are going to do what they want, but I'm going to voice my opinion that it's a terrible idea.
Leaving a gag in a person's mouth that restricts the airway should never be done if the person is going to be left unsupervised at all. It only takes a few minutes to kill someone through asphyxiation. If the nose becomes stuff due to allergies, irritants, or crying, the restrained person could asphyxiate.
Suspension by the arms for a long period of time can asphyxiate a person due to diaphragm exhaustion. Crucifixion works this way as an execution method.
Immobilization through wrapping can restrict breathing if the wrap is over the mouth and nose. Obviously, plastic and latex will block the airways completely, but a cloth wrap can also make it difficult to breathe.
Skin damage:
Constant rubbing against skin can make restraints cause damage, resulting in open wounds. Open wounds pose the risk of infection. Metal cuffs pose this risk on bare skin, as do rougher ropes and other restraints. In the case of an open wound, wash the area with soap and water, then apply an antibiotic ointment and cover the wound with non-stick gauze using cloth tape. Adhesive bandages will work for smaller wounds, but be sure to clean the cut--and clean your restraints, especially if they can hold moisture. Ones that can't are not going to carry bacteria for long; bacteria needs water activity to survive. Ropes and padding can hold sweat and other fluids, so wash them after use.
Suspensions:
With suspensions, the more evenly the weight is distributed, the safer the restrained person will be. Uneven and improper weight distribution can lead to tissue damage, both on the surface at the point of restraint, and possibly on joints and ligaments.
Security/durability:
Durability of restraints matters. Restraints that break easily can be disastrous during play, either due to flailing limbs hitting you--along with part of the restraint, possibly, or, in the case of suspension, the possibility of hitting the floor hard. The more secure and durable your restraints, the less likely you are to have accidents. Do not skimp on hardware.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
The differences between BDSM and abuse
I have been accused of abuse on multiple occasions with my current relationship by people who outside of it. The accusation is baseless and ridiculous on its face. There are many differences between a healthy BDSM relationship (any healthy relationship, really) and an abusive relationship. The differences are not difficult to spot, but I will spell them out for people who don't understand BDSM and need to know how things work.
Isolation
One mark of abusive relationship is the isolation of the victim from friends, family, and work in order to control that person's every move. Allowing a victim his or her own money makes it easier for that person to leave. Keeping him or her away from friends and family makes it difficult to flee to a sympathetic person's home to get away from the abuse. The abuser might take away the victim's means of transportation, as well.
I do not isolate my slave at all. It is in our contract for her to maintain ties with her family, and she does. She maintains contact with her family members, and she has time for her kids. She has her own vehicle. I don't take her money from her.
False remorse
The abuser will administer the abuse, whether physical or psychological, and later apologize, be charming as can be, and soothe the victim. It's a bit like aftercare, really; the abuse is traumatic, and the false remorse smooths it over in a lot of cases.
I make no apologies for what I do with my slave. The pain I cause and the names I call her are what we both wanted from the beginning. I never have to apologize for our BDSM activities, because I've done nothing without her consent.
Lack of consent
The abuse victim never consents to the abuse. There is no safe word or phrase to get out of the abuse. It happens whether the victim wants it to or not.
BDSM is all about consent, when it's healthy, and I obtained my slave's full, explicit, written, un-coerced consent in the beginning of our relationship. How many people can say that they've done so in their own relationships? That consent does not remain implied; if the play goes too far for her for whatever reason, she can stop it with a safe word. Actually, she has more than one, and she has safe actions, as well. Her consent ends when she says her safe phrase.
Threats
The abuser will often threaten the victim with harm to him/her or any children they might have, or to the family of the victim, if the victim threatens to leave.
I would never make such a threat. If she wanted to leave, I'd want to understand why, but I wouldn't threaten her, her children, or any other family member with harm for that decision. The contract is not legally binding. It means something to us--it means a lot to us--but it's not a legal contract. You can't own a person. It does give evidence of consent--as if I'd ever need it.
Two faces
The abuser will show one face in private, but another face when with other people aside from the victim. The victim can never visit family or friends alone. That would give the victim opportunity to talk about the abuse and make a plan to get away.
My slave is always free to visit family by herself, and if she wanted to go to a friend's, she could. She is free to take her children out without me. I love spending time with her, but sometimes, with my work schedule or whatever reason, it's not practical. Sometimes, she just wants to do something special, one-on-one, with one of her children.
Diminishing the victim's self-worth/self-image
The abuser will tell the victim he/she is not good/pretty/smart enough to be with anyone else. The abuser will make the abused feel worthless. Sometimes, the abused will do anything to win the approval of the abuser, thinking the abuse is somehow his/her fault. If only he or she could do better, the abuser wouldn't inflict physical and/or emotional pain. The abuser will never accept anything as good enough.
While humiliation and degradation are parts of BDSM play at times, I never make my slave feel like she's worthless. She's my precious treasure. She's beautiful, and I tell her so. She's sexy, and I tell her that. She cooks wonderful meals, and I thank her and praise her for it. She makes me happy in so many ways, and she knows it.
If you're being abused, get away as soon as you can!
Anyone who does anything without your consent is abusing you. You do not deserve to be abused, and the abuse is not your fault. You should get out of the relationship as soon as possible. There are shelters for victims of abuse in many places, in many countries. You don't have to remain a victim.
The biggest tragedy of abuse cases is that there isn't as much help for it as there should be. Abuse victims often have to start from nothing. There are resources, but the stories I've heard from victims who have used these resources have grim tales to tell. Your safest bet is to recognize the red flags early and get out before the relationship gets serious. As soon as any attempt at isolation happens, get away. As soon as the abuser does something without consent, get away, As soon as the person wants you to quit your job or tries to control your money, get away. Always maintain your ties with family and friends, and if the abuser tries to keep you from doing that, get away.
It's never simple. I know. I've heard too many stories to be naive about it. Just remember that it's not your fault you've been abused. Some abusers are quite good at what they do. You've been manipulated by someone who is better than most people at manipulation. Don't be hard on yourself. Your life is worth it. Your children, if you have any, are worth it.
Last bit of advice: document everything! If you can see a therapist, do it--that's documentation you can use later. If you have kids, get them into therapy, too. It will help later.
Isolation
One mark of abusive relationship is the isolation of the victim from friends, family, and work in order to control that person's every move. Allowing a victim his or her own money makes it easier for that person to leave. Keeping him or her away from friends and family makes it difficult to flee to a sympathetic person's home to get away from the abuse. The abuser might take away the victim's means of transportation, as well.
I do not isolate my slave at all. It is in our contract for her to maintain ties with her family, and she does. She maintains contact with her family members, and she has time for her kids. She has her own vehicle. I don't take her money from her.
False remorse
The abuser will administer the abuse, whether physical or psychological, and later apologize, be charming as can be, and soothe the victim. It's a bit like aftercare, really; the abuse is traumatic, and the false remorse smooths it over in a lot of cases.
I make no apologies for what I do with my slave. The pain I cause and the names I call her are what we both wanted from the beginning. I never have to apologize for our BDSM activities, because I've done nothing without her consent.
Lack of consent
The abuse victim never consents to the abuse. There is no safe word or phrase to get out of the abuse. It happens whether the victim wants it to or not.
BDSM is all about consent, when it's healthy, and I obtained my slave's full, explicit, written, un-coerced consent in the beginning of our relationship. How many people can say that they've done so in their own relationships? That consent does not remain implied; if the play goes too far for her for whatever reason, she can stop it with a safe word. Actually, she has more than one, and she has safe actions, as well. Her consent ends when she says her safe phrase.
Threats
The abuser will often threaten the victim with harm to him/her or any children they might have, or to the family of the victim, if the victim threatens to leave.
I would never make such a threat. If she wanted to leave, I'd want to understand why, but I wouldn't threaten her, her children, or any other family member with harm for that decision. The contract is not legally binding. It means something to us--it means a lot to us--but it's not a legal contract. You can't own a person. It does give evidence of consent--as if I'd ever need it.
Two faces
The abuser will show one face in private, but another face when with other people aside from the victim. The victim can never visit family or friends alone. That would give the victim opportunity to talk about the abuse and make a plan to get away.
My slave is always free to visit family by herself, and if she wanted to go to a friend's, she could. She is free to take her children out without me. I love spending time with her, but sometimes, with my work schedule or whatever reason, it's not practical. Sometimes, she just wants to do something special, one-on-one, with one of her children.
Diminishing the victim's self-worth/self-image
The abuser will tell the victim he/she is not good/pretty/smart enough to be with anyone else. The abuser will make the abused feel worthless. Sometimes, the abused will do anything to win the approval of the abuser, thinking the abuse is somehow his/her fault. If only he or she could do better, the abuser wouldn't inflict physical and/or emotional pain. The abuser will never accept anything as good enough.
While humiliation and degradation are parts of BDSM play at times, I never make my slave feel like she's worthless. She's my precious treasure. She's beautiful, and I tell her so. She's sexy, and I tell her that. She cooks wonderful meals, and I thank her and praise her for it. She makes me happy in so many ways, and she knows it.
If you're being abused, get away as soon as you can!
Anyone who does anything without your consent is abusing you. You do not deserve to be abused, and the abuse is not your fault. You should get out of the relationship as soon as possible. There are shelters for victims of abuse in many places, in many countries. You don't have to remain a victim.
The biggest tragedy of abuse cases is that there isn't as much help for it as there should be. Abuse victims often have to start from nothing. There are resources, but the stories I've heard from victims who have used these resources have grim tales to tell. Your safest bet is to recognize the red flags early and get out before the relationship gets serious. As soon as any attempt at isolation happens, get away. As soon as the abuser does something without consent, get away, As soon as the person wants you to quit your job or tries to control your money, get away. Always maintain your ties with family and friends, and if the abuser tries to keep you from doing that, get away.
It's never simple. I know. I've heard too many stories to be naive about it. Just remember that it's not your fault you've been abused. Some abusers are quite good at what they do. You've been manipulated by someone who is better than most people at manipulation. Don't be hard on yourself. Your life is worth it. Your children, if you have any, are worth it.
Last bit of advice: document everything! If you can see a therapist, do it--that's documentation you can use later. If you have kids, get them into therapy, too. It will help later.
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