JT Stockroom

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

BDSM Fiction 1: The Ceremony

The slave told her family she eloped; her new husband and she were off on her honeymoon.

It was a necessary lie.  What she was doing was far more important, far deeper and dearer to her than having family she barely knew and friends who didn't know the real her come to an expensive party with meaningless rituals.  No, her Master had more exciting plans, and her family could never know.

Slave girls readied her for the ceremony, weaving several silver chains in her hair, rubbing scented lotion all over her naked flesh, attaching the leash to her metal collar.

When they had her prepared, they presented her to the man who was to walk her down the aisle, a known and respected member of the BDSM community.  "Are you ready for your Master, slave?" he asked.

She nodded solemnly, eyes downcast, humble as a good slave should be.

"Crawl to your master," he said, and she obeyed, handing him the leash and dropping slowly to her hands and knees.  Slowly, sensually, she crawled along the aisle, watched by people who knew her for who she was, understood her desires, understood the fulfillment absolute obedience and commitment to a master gave to her.  The rules, the structure, the discipline, the aftercare...they knew.  They were more a part of her world than any family she had, and she was unashamed to be so vulnerable and on display in front of them.

She kept her eyes just ahead of her on the floor, but from a distance, her Master stood in her field of vision.  She suppressed a smile, but the sight of him, the memory of her time with him filled her with excitement and longing.  As she neared, she bowed her head in respect, waiting for the leash to go into his hand.  When it did, she did as they rehearsed: she got on her knees, sat back on her feet, and kept her head bowed as he stood next to her, facing the officiant.

"Masters and Mistresses, Doms and Dommes, slaves and submissives, and those in between," began the officiant, "we come together today to witness this woman give herself to this man completely.  From this day until they have no more breath in them, he will remain her Master.

"Sir, do you promise to be her Master, to take full responsibility for enforcing the rules you have agreed upon, honoring her hard limits, caring for her safety and emotional well-being, and treating her as your valued property until your death or hers?"

"I do," the Master replied.

"Slave, do you promise to love, honor, obey, and worship your master, respecting him at all times in all places, and deferring to him in all decisions, except those he allows you to make?"

"I do," the slave responded, head still bowed.

"By the power vested in my by the state, I know pronounce you husband and wife, Master and slave.  You may do with her as you will."

Her Master led her down the aisle, crawling as she did before, all eyes on her naked body.  As vulnerable and exposed as she was, she never felt more secure.


Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Dim Doms

My intention with this article is to help dim doms recognize their problem in order to correct it, either by removing themselves from the BDSM community, or by modifying their behavior and becoming assets to the community.  

What is a dim dom?  It's a difficult label to define, but some examples of behavior might give us a clue:

  • Domination by default: If you expect obedience and submission from everyone you meet, you're a dim dom. You are not dominant just because you say so; you're dominant because you are able to get someone to want to submit to you.  If you can't get anyone to submit to you, then you need to do research, get a mentor, read a book, take a class--you are the problem, and you need to change, not the subs who aren't into you. 
  • Fiction is your guide: If you treat scenes as reenactments of porn, or worse, if you use Twilight fan fiction or bad science fiction as your BDSM guide, you are a dim dom.  You can play by any set of rules you like, but fiction doesn't teach you about risks, precautions, best practices, or techniques.  
  • Consent is optional:  If you think consent is optional, if you don't believe in safe words, if it's more of a turn-on if you don't get consent, you're not only a dim dom, you're dangerous.  You shouldn't be anywhere near a BDSM partner. 
  • One-trick ponies:  If you approach every submissive in the same way, you're a dim dom.  It's okay to have preferences, but not everyone you find is going to be into everything you want.  Compromise is key, because consent is key.  If you absolutely have to have something that is a hard limit for a sub, then you have to move on or have an open or poly relationship--and that has to be okay with your partner, as well.  Rules have to be tempered by reason, and you can't force everyone into your mold. 
  • No subtlety:  If you believe domination is all about aggression and a harsh tone of voice, you're a dim dom.  It's also about seduction, persuasion, mental preparation, rules, responsibility, guidance, and subtlety.  It's about creativity, knowledge, and skill.  It's far more than pushing someone around whom you perceive to be weaker. 
  • No confidence:  So you want to dominate, but when you get a submissive to be with you, you constantly check on her, making sure she's okay every five seconds, ruining the mood.  Yes, you want to make sure your submissive is handling what you're giving her/him, but you can do it in ways that incorporate it into your play.  Safe words are there to stop play (as long as you honor them).  You can take it slowly at first, going light to heavy with anything painful or uncomfortable.  You can smack that ass, then rub it, taking time to note the reaction.  You can have the sub count to see how steady the voice remains.  Asking, "Are you okay?  Are you going to panic?" every five minutes is going to make your sub think you're unsure of yourself, which you definitely are.  
  • No creativity:  You get all of your scene ideas from other people, fiction (see above), or your sub, and you have no real ideas of your own.  If you can't come up with anything of your own, you are a dim dom.  
  • Cult BDSM:  If you have adopted someone else's rules and consider them unchangeable, you're not only a dim dom, but you're also a cult member.  
  • The almighty penis:  If you think a picture of your cock is enough to get someone to submit to you, you are a dim dom.  If you think your penis gives you the right to be dominant, you are a dim dom.  That's true the other way around--if you think your vagina gives you all the power, you're not very bright, either.  BDSM isn't the vanilla world; your penis or vagina might not be as important as your tone of voice, your air of confidence, your skill at mixing pain with pleasure, your ability to make rules and enforce them, your capacity for nurture, your ability to seduce someone into obedience and worship.  Your genitalia are less important to the BDSM community than your mind.  

I'm certain this list will grow, but the reader should have an idea now.  Do you have contributions to the dim dom list?  Comments are welcome. 

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Even if she's done it in the past

I was watching an episode of "Law & Order: SVU" last night with my slave, and the story brought up some interesting points.  In the episode, a woman who had done rape fantasy porn had two men corner her in the bathroom at a party and treat her like she'd been treated in the movies she'd done--but without her consent.  There is no question in my mind that it was rape.  No matter how she'd been treated in films, she had always given explicit consent.  That's how the industry works--or should work.  The "victim" in the film is aware of what's going to happen, and she can stop it at any time.  With the young men who raped her, there was no discussion of safe words or hard limits.  I find consensual non-consent hot, as does my slave, but we still enforce hard limits, and a safe word will still stop the play.

In the absence of safe words, "No" and "Stop" are your safe words.  Absolutely.  Beyond a doubt.

The rape victim didn't get justice, though.  The defense attorney used her film work against her, saying that the only difference between what happened to her without her consent and what happened on film was that she didn't get paid.  No, that's not the difference.  The difference was lack of consent.  The difference was a lack of discussion of limits and what was going to happen.  Sex workers are not exempt from rape.

That's not really the point I wanted to bring up, though; what went on in my mind was prior knowledge of the sexual activities of submissives--and dominants as well--and how it applies to subsequent BDSM activities with new partners.  Some people might have it in their mind that because a submissive or dominant did something with a previous partner, that activity is on the table in the current relationship--but it's not.  There still has to be consent.  Maybe your new partner isn't comfortable doing that thing with you.  Perhaps your lack of experience, lack of knowledge and/or responsibility for safety, or lack of skill (you can have experience without gaining proficiency) makes your partner uncomfortable with a particular act.  Maybe the trust has not yet been built.

In short: nothing a person has done in the past with kink gives you an excuse to coerce that individual into the act with you.  Consent is essential.  The comfort level has to be there.

I've done a lot of things with previous subs that required a lot of trust--dangerous things that could result in serious injury, infection, or even death.  That kind of trust doesn't come easily for most people, submissive or dominant.  Purely from the dominant perspective, there's the consideration of trust where marks are concerned.  Where there's evidence of BDSM play, there's also a potential domestic violence or rape charge.  Being able to trust your partner not to have you arrested takes time--sometimes.  Some people are able to gain trust more quickly than others, but the bottom line is: if you don't trust your partner with a certain kink, you shouldn't engage in that particular act--and by no means should the other person pressure or coerce you into it.

Friday, September 19, 2014

BDSM Play 13: Using her in the garage

Since we've moved, it's been difficult to find the time and privacy to play, but we still do.  We still crave it.  Still need it.  So we find our moments when we can.

My slave sometimes presents the belt to me in my basement office, where we have some privacy.  One day, after I reddened her ass with the metal-studded belt, I got up, grabbed her by the hair, and growled in her, ear, "I'm going to use that body now, little whore."  

I walked her to the door that led to the garage, then led her over to the couch.  This couch was a gift and would have gone into my office, but we couldn't fit it through any door, so we left it out there.  Good thing.  I had a place to use her hard in private.  

I shoved her down onto the couch and mounted her, then grabbed her hair in both of my hands and yanked her head back and down, holding her firmly against the cushion.  I fucked her hard, letting go of her hair with one hand to smack her in the head, saying, "You like that, worthless little whore?  Nasty little slut!"  I grabbed her hair again, then let it go and smacked her, saying something else degrading.  She loves degradation and the smacks in the head.  It gets her so wet.  

Continuing to fuck her hard, I covered her mouth and nose with my hand, cutting off her breath.  She began to struggle against me as I thrust, making me want to fuck her even harder.  Her reactions made me savage, brutal.  I took my hand away from her mouth, let her catch her breath, then put both hands around her neck and fucked her violently.  

I came inside of her, smacked her in the head and said, "Now get upstairs and get dinner ready, whore."   I went back to work, and she made me dinner.  Aftercare started after work, when we sat on the couch together, watching a movie, with me stroking her hair or her breasts.  

Monday, August 25, 2014

BDSM Safety: Restraints

Whenever people talk about entering into the BDSM lifestyle, they talk about safety.  Learn about safety.  I've said it; I've seen other people say it.  However, it doesn't do any good to tell people to learn about safety; they actually have to have resources.  To this end, I want to do a series of articles on playing safely.

I'll begin with the bondage part of BDSM.  Restraining/being restrained is a huge turn-on for a lot of people.  The look and feeling of helplessness, the loss of control, the struggle all contribute to an erotic experience for many people.  Statistically speaking around 40% of people will try at least light bondage, so it's important to get it right.

The most common and important concern with most restraints involves circulation.  It's easy with many restraints to cut off blood flow to the extremities.  Cutting off circulation can cause health issues, including blood clots, tissue death (in extreme cases with prolonged restraint), damage to nerves and blood vessels (from the restraint being too tight), and extreme pain when the restraint is removed.  Blood clots in the circulatory system could end up in the brain, which may cause a stroke.  Be mindful of discoloration of body parts, and if the restrained person says that the part is going numb, do not hesitate to loosen the restraint.

Here are some tips to avoid cutting off circulation:

Cover more surface area: Some leather and padded restraints already cover a decent amount of surface area, and make it less likely that a pressure point will cause damage.  The danger of making the restraint too tight is still there.  Make sure the person you are restraining relaxes, then make the restraint snug, not tight.  You are restraining, not using a tourniquet.  Covering more surface area will ensure that the restraint causes less discomfort and is more difficult to escape.  Escape can be dangerous, especially in suspensions.

With rope, wrapping several times will distribute pressure across a greater surface area, and it will support more weight without making the tie too tight.  It's also less likely to leave marks, although rope burn is still possible, depending on the type you use.  Nylon, cotton, and hemp ropes tend to leave fewer marks, especially if they're coated/treated.  There are ropes that are too rough to use, and some may even leave splinters in the flesh.  It's best to use thicker rope, as well; rope that is too thin is more likely to cause pressure points, and will certainly cover less surface area, unless you wrap several more times than you would with thicker rope.  Clothesline, for example, is really too thin.  It's usable, but you want something slightly thicker.  You also don't want to go too thick; thicker ropes are usually industrial-grade, anyway, and really should not be used for bondage due to low burn speed (the speed at which drawing the rope across skin will cause it to burn) and roughness.

Use the adjustment lock on handcuffs:  Handcuffs are commonly associated with bondage, and they're a quick and easy restraint to use.  However, there are two things to do when you use handcuffs: adjust them to the correct tightness, so they aren't too tight on the wrist, but adjusted enough that the hand can't slip through, and the things most people forget: the adjustment lock.  There could be another name for it; it's just what I call it.  There is a hole in the side of each cuff where part of the key (or a small metal rod) goes in to lock them in place.  If it's not used, the cuffs can become painfully tight and cut off circulation, as well as doing possible damage to tissue.  Even fur-lined cuffs, while reducing the possibility of marks, can be on too tight--and one pair I had covered the mechanism that locks them into place, making them more of a novelty than a quality piece of bondage equipment.

Handcuffs/leg cuffs should not be used to suspend anyone.

Wraps:  When using plastic wrap, bondage tape, or some other sort of wrap, make sure you're not pulling hard while you're wrapping.  If the wrap is indented relative to the unwrapped skin, it's in danger of being too tight.

Another concern: asphyxiation:

Wrapping rope around a person's neck carries great risk, and I do not recommend it unless you know what you're doing and you're not going to leave the restrained person unsupervised.  I mention it because I have seen posture collars made out of rope, which represents risk, but also because I've seen people play with nooses.  If you are going to play with a noose, do not do it from a height, as the force from the body falling even a short distance carries the risk of breaking the person's neck or drawing the noose too tight and crushing the larynx.  I'm going to stress it: ROPE AROUND THE NECK IS A VERY RISKY IDEA.  People are going to do what they want, but I'm going to voice my opinion that it's a terrible idea.

Leaving a gag in a person's mouth that restricts the airway should never be done if the person is going to be left unsupervised at all.  It only takes a few minutes to kill someone through asphyxiation.  If the nose becomes stuff due to allergies, irritants, or crying, the restrained person could asphyxiate.

Suspension by the arms for a long period of time can asphyxiate a person due to diaphragm exhaustion.  Crucifixion works this way as an execution method.

Immobilization through wrapping can restrict breathing if the wrap is over the mouth and nose.  Obviously, plastic and latex will block the airways completely, but a cloth wrap can also make it difficult to breathe.

Skin damage:

Constant rubbing against skin can make restraints cause damage, resulting in open wounds.  Open wounds pose the risk of infection.  Metal cuffs pose this risk on bare skin, as do rougher ropes and other restraints.  In the case of an open wound, wash the area with soap and water, then apply an antibiotic ointment and cover the wound with non-stick gauze using cloth tape. Adhesive bandages will work for smaller wounds, but be sure to clean the cut--and clean your restraints, especially if they can hold moisture.  Ones that can't are not going to carry bacteria for long; bacteria needs water activity to survive.  Ropes and padding can hold sweat and other fluids, so wash them after use.

Suspensions:

With suspensions, the more evenly the weight is distributed, the safer the restrained person will be.  Uneven and improper weight distribution can lead to tissue damage, both on the surface at the point of restraint, and possibly on joints and ligaments.

Security/durability:

Durability of restraints matters.  Restraints that break easily can be disastrous during play, either due to flailing limbs hitting you--along with part of the restraint, possibly, or, in the case of suspension, the possibility of hitting the floor hard.  The more secure and durable your restraints, the less likely you are to have accidents.  Do not skimp on hardware.




Sunday, August 17, 2014

If money were no object...

Recently, a member of the BDSM group I run with my slave asked what kind of weekend I would plan if money were no object.  For purposes of this...musing, I assumed that this meant that I could have anything I wanted at my disposal.

Oh, the possibilities!

If I had unlimited cash flow--or at least enough to buy any equipment I wanted--I would definitely buy a dungeon bed, a stand-up cage, a St. Andrew's Cross, every whip, crop, cane, and paddle I could find, lots of rope, lots of different restraints, suspension bars...I'd have everything that fit within my slave's hard limits and our shared kinks.  This shopping spree, of course, would lead to a great many possibilities that we could spread across many weekends, so I will go with what I'd want to do first.  At least, this is an example of what I might do first.  I might change my mind, if and when I have enough money to make it happen.

Forced sex fantasy is my slave's favorite scenario, so the first thing I would do is make sure we're child-free weekend while making her thing we're going somewhere special (that isn't a dungeon).  The kids would be gone, she'd be waiting for me to come home (I'd make some excuse to be out, like a consulting visit or a company meeting), and I would surprised her by coming in disguised, grabbing her, throwing a black hood over her head, and restraining her with handcuffs and leather ankle restraints.  I'd sling her over my shoulder, take her out to my car, driver her to the dungeon (it would be away from our home in this case), take her inside, and take the hood off so she could see all of the possibilities for her evening's torment.  Implements of torture would line the wall.  Ominous, menacing bondage furniture would be all over the dungeon.

Once she had a good look around, I'd carry my slave over to the area where I have two suspension bars that can be raised and lowered.  I'd attach her leather ankle restraints to the suspension bar, raise it so she is hanging upside down most of the way, then I'd uncuff her, put her wrists into the restraints attached to the other suspension bar, and I'd raise her so that her mouth, pussy, and ass were all easy to access.  I'd smack her pussy mercilessly, then, when it was clearly good and red, I'd shove my fingers inside of her, first two, then three, then four.  Four will make her pussy nice and sore, just how she loves to be fucked--and how I love to fuck her.  It hurts her so badly, but she loves it--and I love her intense reactions to the pain.  She is often close to tears, and sometimes, the tears come.

After making her pussy sore, I would grab a few implements--a single tail, a crop, a paddle.  I would use each in turn on her pussy, her ass, and her thighs.  I may even get a few hits on her tits, though that's almost certain to elicit a safe word.  All the while, I'd be talking to her as I do during the forced sex scenarios, telling her how I'm going to keep her, how she'll never see her family again, how it will be torment in every way I can imagine until the end of her days.  Sometimes, it gets so real for her that she will actually cry at the thought of never seeing another living person again, and the helplessness is written on her face.  What a turn-on...for both of us.

When I've marked her body to my satisfaction, I will shove my cock into that sore hole.  It will be difficult at first, because her labia will have swollen shut from the beating, and her wetness will be concealed...but she'certain to be soaked.  It leaks out, but it rarely coats her lips after pussy abuse.  Once inside, I will fuck her hard, grabbing her by the hair, using it as leverage to ram myself into her body, pacing myself it I get too close to cumming too soon, then fucking her as hard as I can so I can get that inevitable squirt from her.  My knife would be resting on her chest during this scene.  I forgot that little detail, but it's important.  I will grab it and hold it to her throat, watching the fear in her eyes, listen to her moans of pain and ecstasy, savoring her suffering.  I'd cum inside of her, then leave her suspended for a bit, allowing her to think about her situation while I recover and ready myself for another round.

I'd use her that first night till I fell asleep from exhaustion, but I would eventually take her down from the suspension bars and carry her to the dungeon bed.  The dungeon bed at Stockroom.com has all kinds of restraints and attachments to make for a night of fun.  I would attach her to the bed with a metal collar and chain, and I would put bondage gloves on her so she's be helpless throughout the night.  No hope of escape for my little captive.  I'd wake her up by laying her face-down on the bed and mounting her little ass, lubing it first, but fucking it hard as I held her head up by her hair and smacked her head.

Oh, that's right...that's a new thing.  My slave loves being smacked in the head.  Not hard enough to do any damage, but sort of a "You stupid fucking whore" sort of slap.  It's degrading and demeaning, and she enjoys the fuck out of it.  She gets so incredibly wet.  She hated getting smacked in the face (or at least, she didn't enjoy it much), but in the head?  Total turn-on.

After I used her ass, I would put plastic over the bondage gloves, seal them with tape, unhook the collar, then take her to the shower I would have installed in the corner of the dungeon.  It would be close to a heat source so she wouldn't get cold (cold is a hard limit; I would have the dungeon at a comfortable temperature).  I would wash myself as she watched, then I would scrub her body clean.  Once we were clean, I would take her to where I left the knife, make her kneel, then put the blade to the back of her neck and threaten to shove it in if she didn't take my cock in her throat.  I would use her mouth hard, shoving her down on it, making it difficult for her to breathe.  I would have to decide whether to degrade her further by cumming on her face (she loves that--no kidding) or cumming down her throat, but after I resolved that little dilemma, it would be time for her to eat.

For her breakfast--probably lunch at that point, I would force her to eat from a dog dish.  It would be food fit for human consumption, but she would have to be on her hands and knees and bow her head to eat it.  I would allow her to drink from a cup, but I really love watching her eat on her hands and knees.  I've had her eat cheesecake off a dish this way, and it's definitely hot.  I would cut up some meat for her or have her eat a salad.  Something.  But she would be eating like something less than a human.

With her belly full, it would be time for her to get into a cage and rest a bit.  I would have a pet bed inside of a cage where she couldn't stand up, but she could curl up and lay comfortably.  I'd put a blanket over her and let her sleep if she wanted...but not for long.  I would open the cage door, drag her out by her ankles, move to her head, grab her by the hair, make her stand up, and I'd guide her to the St. Andrew's cross.  I would bind her wrists and ankles to it, and I'd give her a good whipping with the cat o' nine tails.  I'd turn her around after and paddle her ass till it looked like it would bruise nicely.  She loves the severe spankings and paddlings, and with no one to hear her cry out, I could give her everything I have.  I have spanked her as hard as I could for as long as I could before, and I don't recall her saying her safe word that night.

Keeping her on the cross, I would get the shrink wrap and wrap it around her head, leaving only her mouth exposed.  I would then rip off a smaller piece to fit over that mouth, and I would cover it, letting her panic.  Watching her struggle helplessly on that cross would make me rock-hard, and I know it would get her juices flowing.  I would take the plastic off to let her breathe, talk dirty to her, demean her, caress her sore, vulnerable body, then cover her mouth again.  I would repeat this till I no longer wanted to wait to fuck her.  I would take her down...and I would leave her unrestrained this time.  If there was any fight left in her, I would savor her struggles, but I doubt at this point that she would be fighting much.  Then again, she has surprised me before, and that's always the best--when she struggles against me, even when it's most futile.  I'd leave her unrestrained and drag her over to the bed, forcing myself into that pussy that is sure to be sore still, and fuck her like a demon would, if demons existed.

I'd shower her again, then put her away in the stand-up cage.  I'd go and rest.  She would be unlikely to get rest.  I would come back and use vampire gloves on her bare skin, giving her a full-body massage with those tiny needles.  I miss my pair of vampire gloves, and I'd be sure to get a much better pair this time around.  She loved having her labia pricked with them, especially.  After I was satisfied with the massage, I would take her out, use her again however I chose at that point, then I would eat my dinner off her.  I would lay her flat on a table, restrain her, and use her flat belly as my plate, prodding her with my fork, menacing her with my knife.  When I finished, I would clean her off, then I would force her to eat on her hands and knees again, from a plate at my feet.

At this point, with one night and a day left, I would would do aftercare.  I would take her out of her restraints, hold her, caress her, tell her she's my precious treasure, tell her how much I love her and care for her.  Tell her that there's no one else I'd rather have, that I'm happy with her and want to grow old with her in my service.  We'd sleep in each other's arms that night.

The next day, I would let her choose what she wanted to have done to her.  She could choose any toy, any restraint, and I'd incorporate it into play.  We've done something similar with our current toy collection, but there'd be a broader range of toys from which to choose, there'd be furniture we don't have, restraints we don't have.  One thing I'd like to have her do is ride a sybian while I talk dirty to her and whip her.  She would be restrained and could not move off of it.  I would control its speed.  I am not sure she would cum on the third day from that--her pussy might be too sore to cum from anything but fucking (her clit gets so sensitive and her pussy so sore that the pain makes it impossible to bring her to orgasm through digital stimulation), but the sybian might be exquisite torment for her, and that would be fun to watch.


So many more possibilities to consider in this scenario, but this is a start.

Monday, July 28, 2014

The differences between BDSM and abuse

I have been accused of abuse on multiple occasions with my current relationship by people who outside of it.  The accusation is baseless and ridiculous on its face.  There are many differences between a healthy BDSM relationship (any healthy relationship, really) and an abusive relationship.  The differences are not difficult to spot, but I will spell them out for people who don't understand BDSM and need to know how things work.

Isolation

One mark of abusive relationship is the isolation of the victim from friends, family, and work in order to control that person's every move.  Allowing a victim his or her own money makes it easier for that person to leave.  Keeping him or her away from friends and family makes it difficult to flee to a sympathetic person's home to get away from the abuse.  The abuser might take away the victim's means of transportation, as well.

I do not isolate my slave at all.  It is in our contract for her to maintain ties with her family, and she does.  She maintains contact with her family members, and she has time for her kids.  She has her own vehicle.  I don't take her money from her.

False remorse

The abuser will administer the abuse, whether physical or psychological, and later apologize, be charming as can be, and soothe the victim.  It's a bit like aftercare, really; the abuse is traumatic, and the false remorse smooths it over in a lot of cases.

I make no apologies for what I do with my slave.  The pain I cause and the names I call her are what we both wanted from the beginning.  I never have to apologize for our BDSM activities, because I've done nothing without her consent.

Lack of consent

The abuse victim never consents to the abuse.  There is no safe word or phrase to get out of the abuse.  It happens whether the victim wants it to or not.

BDSM is all about consent, when it's healthy, and I obtained my slave's full, explicit, written, un-coerced consent in the beginning of our relationship.  How many people can say that they've done so in their own relationships?  That consent does not remain implied; if the play goes too far for her for whatever reason, she can stop it with a safe word.  Actually, she has more than one, and she has safe actions, as well.  Her consent ends when she says her safe phrase.

Threats

The abuser will often threaten the victim with harm to him/her or any children they might have, or to the family of the victim, if the victim threatens to leave.

I would never make such a threat.  If she wanted to leave, I'd want to understand why, but I wouldn't threaten her, her children, or any other family member with harm for that decision.  The contract is not legally binding.  It means something to us--it means a lot to us--but it's not a legal contract.  You can't own a person.  It does give evidence of consent--as if I'd ever need it.

Two faces

The abuser will show one face in private, but another face when with other people aside from the victim.  The victim can never visit family or friends alone.  That would give the victim opportunity to talk about the abuse and make a plan to get away.

My slave is always free to visit family by herself, and if she wanted to go to a friend's, she could.  She is free to take her children out without me.  I love spending time with her, but sometimes, with my work schedule or whatever reason, it's not practical.  Sometimes, she just wants to do something special, one-on-one, with one of her children.

Diminishing the victim's self-worth/self-image

The abuser will tell the victim he/she is not good/pretty/smart enough to be with anyone else.  The abuser will make the abused feel worthless.  Sometimes, the abused will do anything to win the approval of the abuser, thinking the abuse is somehow his/her fault.  If only he or she could do better, the abuser wouldn't inflict physical and/or emotional pain.  The abuser will never accept anything as good enough.

While humiliation and degradation are parts of BDSM play at times, I never make my slave feel like she's worthless.  She's my precious treasure.  She's beautiful, and I tell her so.  She's sexy, and I tell her that.  She cooks wonderful meals, and I thank her and praise her for it. She makes me happy in so many ways, and she knows it.

If you're being abused, get away as soon as you can!

Anyone who does anything without your consent is abusing you.  You do not deserve to be abused, and the abuse is not your fault.  You should get out of the relationship as soon as possible.  There are shelters for victims of abuse in many places, in many countries.  You don't have to remain a victim.

The biggest tragedy of abuse cases is that there isn't as much help for it as there should be.  Abuse victims often have to start from nothing.  There are resources, but the stories I've heard from victims who have used these resources have grim tales to tell.  Your safest bet is to recognize the red flags early and get out before the relationship gets serious.  As soon as any attempt at isolation happens, get away.  As soon as the abuser does something without consent, get away,  As soon as the person wants you to quit your job or tries to control your money, get away.  Always maintain your ties with family and friends, and if the abuser tries to keep you from doing that, get away.

It's never simple.  I know.  I've heard too many stories to be naive about it.  Just remember that it's not your fault you've been abused.  Some abusers are quite good at what they do.  You've been manipulated by someone who is better than most people at manipulation.  Don't be hard on yourself.  Your life is worth it.  Your children, if you have any, are worth it.

Last bit of advice: document everything!  If you can see a therapist, do it--that's documentation you can use later.  If you have kids, get them into therapy, too.  It will help later.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Different Ways to Play With Pain

There are so many ways to play with pain, it's difficult to find a place to begin.  I will do these as they come to mind, in no particular order. Disclaimer: don't expect every masochist to love every one of these sensations.  Some are downright rare for anyone to find enjoyable.

Spanking: I put it first because most people think of spanking when they think of BDSM, and it can range from really light to fairly heavy.  Many people have experienced spanking at some level.  It can sting, or it can really sting.  A really hard spanking can leave bruising, which, of course, means that sitting is going to cause discomfort later.  Most spanking, however, does not leave marks.

Using a paddle to spank spreads the impact over a wider surface area, and is less likely to impact deep tissue.  Paddles do sting.

You can also use a belt or leather strap, which will leave narrow red stripes.  Welts are also possible if you hit hard enough.  We use studded belts, so they hurt more and do leave marks.

Caning thuds.  Using a cane can be rather brutal on a submissive, and you must be careful not to hit anywhere where a vital organ can be affected.  The lower back has the kidneys, and impact to the spine could result in terrible injury, as well.  Aim well; don't be careless (with anything else, either).  Canes will leave welted stripes and result in bruising.

Hot wax:  Your standard, store-bought candles have wax that burns very briefly, then cools rapidly.  At most, candle wax will leave something very like a sunburn.  It hurts more the closer it is to the tissue surface, but since it cools very quickly, it will not cause permanent damage.  I've used candles from a few inches away with no appreciable damage--just the initial jolt of burning.  On sensitive areas like the nipples or the pussy, it can feel quite good.

There are special candles that burn hotter, and there is also hot latex for this kind of play.  These materials cool quickly, but the initial burn is more intense.  They are still designed not to cause terrible burns, though.  They will not leave marks or scars, just redness.

Vampire gloves and needle play:  Vampire gloves are leather gloves with tiny metal points along the palm side of the fingers.  They are not long enough to draw blood, typically.  They hurt more with more pressure applied, and, of course, the more sensitive the area, the more intense the sensation.  I love them for full-body massages.  It's a prickly sensation.

We all have had shots, so we know what needles feel like.  Different parts of the body are more sensitive than others, though, and I've found that the fingers and toes are the worst--or best, depending on perspective--places to use needles.  Be careful never to hit bone.  It causes severe pain in the form of a horrible ache.  Also, make sure any needles you use are sanitized.

In the early days of my time in the lifestyle, I used skewers through labia.  These hurt a lot.  I have also used needle and thread on labia to sew them shut.  This kind of play isn't for the average masochist.

Electricity: There are many different devices that can be used when playing with electricity.  The mildest one is the TENS unit.  It's a medical device, designed for physical therapy.  There are small, portable, battery-operated units that can deliver a decent shock, but I've used the wall units on the highest setting without any detrimental effects.  You should avoid using putting any current through an area where it might cross the heart.  400 milliamps can cause a heart attack, but a TENS unit typically does not have this much current.  I've used them on nipples and on the pussy.  Just don't put electrodes on either side of the heart with any unit.

There's the violet wand.  If you have ever had a shock from static electricity, you've felt the shock of a violet wand.  There are several attachments you can get to fit your nefarious purposes.

There are electric insertables that can be used.  They tend to get somewhat hot eventually, so I wouldn't recommend prolonged use.

I have played with a 9-volt battery, which also gets hot, so it can't be used for very long at once.  I like to use it on the tongue for punishment.  I also like to use her wetness to coat her clit, then touch the battery to her clit.  Women love it or hate it.  My slave is not a fan of it.

There's the cattle prod, which is pretty severe, as electrical toys go.  It delivers a nasty shock wherever it hits. It's not for everyone, for certain.

Whipping:  There are several kinds of whips.  There are floggers, cat o' nine tails, scourges, bullwhips, snake whips, signal whips, stock whips...and probably a couple I'm missing.  Soft-leather floggers are the mildest, but all of these will sting--some more than others.  The floggers aren't going to do damage to the skin; some of the whips will, and a scourge is specifically designed for this purpose.  Whips will not do damage to deep tissue, but any recipient of a lash will definitely feel it.

I've improvised with rope for whipping.  It's pretty effective, but a heavy rope will thud; thinner ropes will sting.

Cutting:  People who are into blood play will often bring blades of various types into it, from scalpels to utility knives, simple razor blades to hunting knives.  Anything sharp that can be easily sanitized is useful for cutting.  Now, the sharper the blade, the less pain will be involved initially, but alcohol on the wound will get a reaction sometimes.  Sweat dripping into it will cause pain.  My favorite is Liquid Skin, which can be brushed on to seal the cut.  It burns like fire.

Flaying:  Flaying is simply the act of cutting away the epidermis (skin surface) to expose the dermis.  The dermis is really sensitive to every kind of sensation.  Of course, cutting away skin isn't for the unskilled.  Anyone who wants to try flaying should definitely become educated on the subject before they do it.

Burning/fire play:  I should not have to warn anyone that fire is dangerous, but please understand that fire is fucking dangerous.  Playing with it takes great care and should not be taken at all lightly.

Some fire play is done by brushing a flammable, volatile (rapidly-evaporating) substance on skin, then lighting it on fire.  It will burn up very quickly and leave something like a mild sunburn.  I don't do this kind of fire play.  It's done more for the threat and the fear reaction than for the sensation.  I highly recommend researching it before trying it.

Some people use the threat of a blow torch to get reactions.  That can be fun, but remember, a blow torch is very dangerous to skin, and can cause third and fourth degree burns very quickly.  The last thing you need is a burn that requires a hospital visit, and one that leaves permanent damage to boot.

One thing I have done with a couple of women involves a lighter.  I've used both a Bic and a Zippo; the Bic is the less harsh of the two.  The Zippo burns very hot, and must be used with caution.  What I do is hold the lighter lit for several seconds (15 seconds for a Zippo is adequate; 30 seconds to a minute for a Bic), making the submissive watch the flame as I do, talking her through it, then I let the lighter go out (or blow it out, with the Zippo) and touch the hot metal to her skin.  I focus on the underside of the breasts or on the inner thighs, mostly, but it can pretty much be done anywhere where marks are okay.  After the metal cools enough not to burn, but is still quite warm, I hold it against her clit and rub it till she has an orgasm, or I deny it if I'm edging her.  Then I repeat the process.  Again, and again, and again.  The women I've done it with were crying hysterically by the time we were done, but they loved it.

Bics leave a smiley-face mark.  Zippos leave something resembling a chain link.

I've also put out cigarettes on a woman's flesh.  Made patterns.  Left scars.  The scars fade, and are barely noticeable after about a year.


Biting:  Biting can be fun.  Primal.  Savage.  It will typically leave bruises.  If you break skin, be sure to disinfect the wound quickly.

My slave will come to orgasm much more quickly if I'm biting her while I'm rubbing her clit or stimulating her g-spot.  I also nibble and bite her clit during oral sex.

Hair pulling:  A lot of women like their hair pulled during sex.  I go a bit farther than that.  I will lead my slave by her hair to where I want her.  I have controlled her by her hair during an entire session, never letting go once, except for maybe a split second while switching hands.

With hair pulling, the thing to remember is to grab a lot of it and hold it near the roots.  First of all, it gives you more control; if her hands are free, she can simply grab her hair at a point closer to her head and stop the pain.  Secondly, you don't want to pull her hair out, and if you grab a lot near the roots, you spread the pull over many more strands, making it less likely to pull them out.   Finally, it's safer--you will be less likely to have her move somewhere you don't want her to be if your hand is closer to her head.

Wooden pony:  The wooden pony is a piece of wood, usually triangular, that is designed to abuse the pussy (though I imagine it wouldn't feel good on male parts, either).  The submissive is positioned so her pussy is close to the board, standing tiptoe, so as her calves tire from holding her pussy above it, she will rest on the board.  As she rests, she becomes uncomfortable, because the angle gives no support.  She eventually raises herself up again, then tires.  Raises again, tires.  In the meantime. you can be talking to her, whipping her...well, use your imagination and your style of play.  The wooden pony leaves the pussy tender and sore, and for a slave like mine, who loves pussy abuse, it's an ideal time for fucking.

Pussy abuse:  There are many ways to abuse the pussy.  I give it special mention here because it's one of the things my slave really enjoys, and something from which I get a lot of delightful reaction.  After I make her orgasm several times, I slap her pussy, pinch her labia, and fuck her with four fingers side-by-side, so she's sore inside and out.  When I fuck her, she moans in pain and begs for ice to relieve the sensation--but she truly loves it, and she is very likely to orgasm from penetration if she's sore.

Fisting:  Inserting the whole hand into a pussy or ass can be really painful.  Lubrication will make it a lot easier, and with repeated fisting, the sensation will become familiar and less severe, but it hurts in most cases, especially when the submissive has a smaller frame.

Sounding: Sounding is the insertion of metal rods into the urethra.  I am far from an expert on this one.  I have only seen it once.

I'm sure I'm missing some forms of play (the rack, for example), and I could write a whole article on uncomfortable positions, but I'm sure this is enough to get the imagination going.  I will add more as I think of them.



Monday, May 26, 2014

BDSM Play 12: The Dance I Know

My slave was into ballet when she was younger, but she knows many forms of dance.  What little I've known of dance, I've forgotten, and I certainly didn't know much in that regard.  We were being playful in the bathroom, with her showing me different dances.  She started with the tango, then the waltz.  I was rather awkward, but we were laughing and having fun.  As we prepared for our shower, she told me how in gym class, she led boys in learning how to waltz.  When she finished, she was naked.  I shoved her up against the bathroom door and said, "This is where I lead."  I kissed her, my hand at her throat, not squeezing hard, but just there, threatening, making her hot.  "This is the dance I know."  I continued to kiss her, one hand at her throat, the other roaming her body.  It found her clit, and I rubbed it until she begged permission to cum.  "Yes, cum for me, little slut," I whispered in her ear.  I released her throat and put an arm around her back to support her as she came, so she wouldn't lose balance.

Being hot from making out and having her orgasm against the bathroom door, we had a more intimate and erotic shower than normal, paying more attention to erogenous zones than normal, kissing more than usual.  The dance I know.  Seduction.  Domination.  Painful pleasure.  It was all coming, and she knew it.  We both knew.

We finished our shower and went to the bedroom.  I laid her on her back, grabbed her by her hair, and began to bite her.  Biting has become as much a part of our play as asphyxiation.  She always needs roughness to orgasm, but certain types of pain get her there more quickly than anything.  Biting ranks close to asphyxiation for her.  If I'm rubbing her clit hard, she will come from the rough handling of it, but if I sink teeth into her flesh, she'll cum much more quickly, and with more intensity.  It's the best time to edge her and build her up to a very intense orgasm.  I bit her all over as I denied her orgasm after orgasm, covering her tits, her flat, sexy abdomen, and her legs in marks.

When I finally wanted her to cum, I took her clit into my mouth, draped it over my bottom teeth, and rolled it over them with my tongue, then flicking it, then sucking it in and nibbling it.  I bit it, as well, and that's when she asked, "Master, may I please cum?"

I held her clit between my teeth and growled, "Yes, cum for me, whore."

She exploded in pleasure.  She went rigid, arched her back, and held her breath through it.  I kept at it, prompting more begging for orgasmic release, and she came again and again.  Finally, she said, "Master, I'm weak."

I went to the toy bag and got out the studded belt.  I made her lay face down on the bed, and I whipped her ass hard with it, ruthlessly alternating from cheek to cheek.  After her ass was good and red, I said, "I think your pussy needs some abuse.  Turn over and spread your legs."

She complied, and I hit her pussy with the studded belt over and over until I heard, "Master, I'm weak."  As soon as I heard the safe phrase, I bound her thighs together with the belt.  I went to the toy bag again and brought out the shrink wrap.  I made her fold her arms in front of her, and I wrapped the shrink wrap around them so she couldn't break free.  I proceeded then to wrap it around her head, leaving only her mouth free.  I kissed her.

"Are you ready, little slut?"

"No, Master."

"Does it matter if you are?"

"No, Master."

"You're right, little slut, it doesn't matter.  Your will doesn't matter.  Mine does."  I wrapped her head the rest of the way, covering her mouth.  After she could no longer draw breath, she began to struggle, then panic.  My hand moved to her pussy.  I found her wetness, coated my finger, then began to rub her clit as she writhed and gave muffled, desperate cries.  She finally made three short sounds that indicated she couldn't take more.  I poked an opening into the shrink wrap at her mouth, allowing her to take in air again.  I kissed her briefly between breaths, then I let the rhythm of her breathing go back to normal.  When she calmed down, I took more shrink wrap and covered her mouth again, rubbing her clit as well.  She came hard, her panic ceasing for the duration of the orgasm.  I pulled the shrink wrap away and let her breathe again.

The writhing her panic caused, in addition to her cries, made my cock so hard.  I pushed her legs up against her chest, and I pushed my cock inside of her, causing her to moan with pain.  The abuse from before left her swollen and sensitive.  I fucked her hard, holding her bound arms above her head and against the mattress.  I covered her mouth with my hand, causing her to struggle against me.  I felt her squirt as she came.  I took the belt off of her, spread her legs, and continued to fuck her hard and deep.  When she caught her breath, I wrapped my hands around her neck and choked her as I fucked her.

When I released her, I could tell she was struggling for air and was hot.  I unwrapped her head.  With the plastic wrap out of the way, I could see her pretty blue eyes, full of fear and desperation and pleasure.  I was turned on even more, and began slamming my cock into her.  Sweat began pouring from me.  I wiped my forehead, then I wiped the sweat on her face.

"You like that, little whore?  Does it make you feel like a dirty little slut?"

"Yes, Master.  I like being your dirty little whore."

I took the plastic off her arms so she could cool off, then I held her arms down.  As I fucked her and got more sweaty, I wiped more away and rubbed it on her face.  I choked her a few more times before I came.  I rolled off, pulled her across the mattress toward the wall so she could stretch her legs, and stroked her hair until she was ready to go clean herself.

"Did you enjoy the dance, baby?"

"Mmmmm...yes, Master.  I love it when you lead."


Sunday, May 25, 2014

BDSM Play 11: Bondage, Studded Belt, Biting, Knife Play

We got out of the wedding reception early, so my slave and I had time to play at the hotel.

It wasn't lost on me that she wore a 1950s-style dress to the reception, and that her look received a lot of positive attention there.  She's into the 1950s housewife role, so the dress kept with the theme of that era, when women were expected to be subservient to their husbands, and didn't have a choice when it came to their wifely duties. The attention she received made me proud as a Master.  She did well, making herself alluring, and I felt respected and loved during the reception.  She did not leave my side; although it was her family, and I was a stranger there, I felt very much a part of the reception, and not at all like an outsider.

When we returned to the hotel, she stripped, and I laid her down on the bed, face-down.  I spanked her ass hard for a bit, then I got the studded belt out and whipped her ass with that until it was bright red.

I tied her wrists together and secured them to the bed frame.  I tied each ankle to an opposite corner of the frame, so her legs were spread apart.  All of the pale, vulnerable flesh of the back of her was exposed to me, available to mark in any way I chose.  Of course, tied this way, her slave mark remained in full view; seeing my mark of ownership on her always turns me on.

I laid partially on her.  My left hand found her clit, my right, her throat.  I leaned down and bit her between her neck and shoulder.  She moaned in pain and ecstasy as I rubbed her clit hard with my right hand.  It wasn't long before I heard, "Master, may I please cum?  Please?"  I denied her.  I let go of her flesh with my teeth, stopped rubbing her clit, then sank my teeth into her flesh on a different spot on her back.  Her upper back is so sensitive, but she knew that her pain reactions pleased me, so she took the pain of the bites to her back.  I fully expected to elicit her safe phrase, but at no point did I hear, "Master, I'm weak."  I started rubbing her clit again, and again, she begged my permission to let her cum.

"No, little slut, not yet."

"Please, Master?  Please let me cum?"

"Not until I'm ready."

I bit her again, and again, and the growl, the sound I unconsciously make as I'm biting into her flesh, accompanied each sampling of her flesh.  I left marks all over her upper back, and I denied her orgasm again and again.  After many bites and several denials, I let her have her pleasure.  She came with intensity, thrusting her ass in the air as she went rigid, her breath stopping for the duration.  She squirted on the bed.

I untied her ankles, but left her wrists tied.  I turned her over and climbed on top of her, wrapping my hands around her throat and choking her as I entered and began to thrust.  Choking always turns her on, and it makes me so hot.  She struggled to free her wrists, and having slack, was finally able to loosen her bonds.  Not that it made a difference to her situation; she still lay helplessly underneath me.  I bent her arms and held them close to the elbows, and she was as helpless as she was when she was tied.  I let go of them to choke her again.  She tried to pull my hands away, but to no avail.  She never taps out of choking.  When her arms started to go limp, I let her go and put her arms back where I wanted them.

I pulled the knife out of its sheath, which lay nearby.  I lay the cold steel against her neck, the dull side pushing into her flesh.  I fucked her harder, and her wetness grew with the threat of the knife present.  I threw the knife aside, out of her reach, to choke her again, and when I released her, I grabbed it again and returned it to her neck.  I menaced her with the blade side while it was in her view, but when it was out of her sight, I turned it so the dull side was against her neck again.  I fucked her hard and came inside of her.





Article Review: "A Loving Introduction to BDSM" from Psychology Today

The article is from 2012, but since it appeared in the BDSM group my slave and I admin online, I thought I would give it a review.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201206/loving-introduction-bdsm


The article starts out saying that BDSM is similar to the child's game, "Trust Me", where one person stands behind the other, the person in front falls, and that person has to trust that the person standing behind will catch him or her.  I don't want to nitpick, and this isn't really a criticism of the article (more of a side note), but I've only seen this game appear in sitcoms, where a "trust exercise" appeared in a motivational seminar or work-related meeting. Anyway, the article isn't wrong: there is an element of danger, and one person has to trust the other to keep her or him safe, even when they're playing dangerously.

I applaud the article for saying BDSM is not abusive, which it does right off the bat.  It elaborates into something my slave and I have said to each other, but I've heard from many in the BDSM community: there is a special bond in lifestyle BDSM, because the rules are laid down in advance of play, and there's always explicit communication about the most intimate details.  We've called our bond "stronger than marriage," and we firmly assert that it's the case: we have a commitment based on complete trust, where she has given herself to me completely, mind and body.  Not every BDSM relationship is between a loving, committed couple, however; the sexual relationship is based on trust if it's done correctly, but not all BDSM involves 24/7 observance of rules and roles.  People get together for one-time encounters.  They have casual partners.  They bring in a third in their couple's play.  There are all kinds of ways to do BDSM, but whatever the case, there should be up-front negotiation of limits and rules.  Whether that negotiation leads to the kind of commitment described in the article depends on whether the relationship extends beyond sex.

The article briefly touches on the history of BDSM, but really only touches on sadomasochism's origins, not domination and submission.  A D/s relationship does not necessarily involve pain, so only mentioning sadomasochism narrows the focus of BDSM play to eroticism that involves a sadist and a masochist.  A day interacting with people in the lifestyle reveals that it's not the full picture. My relationship involves a sadistic Master and a masochistic slave, but our way isn't the only way to play--not by a long shot.  Domination also involves seduction, forcefulness, firmness, tone, confidence, and nurturing, and not all punishments for rule-breaking involve pain, either.  Isolation, performance of tasks, humiliation, and special favors outside of the norm can be punishment.

The author proceeds to tell us about the prevalence of BDSM, saying two to three percent play with the lifestyle.  I agree with that number.  Some say that it's become mainstream, but I think that's only because more people are coming into it with unrealistic expectations that come from a popular book series, not because people are truly entering the lifestyle permanently.

I have a bone of contention with the ideas given as examples of how "..BDSM imagery pervades society."  Political and economic power do not involve trust; they are more in line with examples of abusive relationships.  They involve manipulation and malfeasance sometimes, as well as a show of force with a lack of consent.  A true example would be representative government; the people give power over to representatives, whom they trust to handle the running of society.  Elections represent the safe word, along with special elections and impeachment.  The desire to control doesn't represent BDSM in any true sense; the gift of power and the ability to influence the will of the people without betraying their trust is a far better ideal, I think, and a far more accurate representative of the lifestyle as it exists today.

Enough of my political soapbox; let's move on to the idea that BDSM is never abusive, an idea that the article addresses well.  It's true that a BDSM relationship necessitates consent, if limits and safe words are observed, but to say that BDSM is more theatrical than real strikes me as a bit odd.  The sensations are very real.  The seduction: real.  The control: real.  It's not just an act; it's sex, and the role of submissive and dominant are not just parts played by 24/7 lifestyle couples.  The submissive lives to please her dominant, and the dominant has a responsibility to keep her safe during play and care for her afterwards.

I wish the next part didn't appear in the article, because it's been positive toward BDSM overall--but this statement told me that the author definitely doesn't participate in BDSM and didn't observe it very well.  It reiterates the statement, "BDSM is more theatrical than real," then goes on to say that "...participants carefully choreograph their moves in advance."  This "choreography" might occur with some scene players, but it's certainly not true of me and my slave, nor are we a rare exception.  I could see professionals doing it for their submissive clients, or porn actors doing it on film, but in a relationship?  No.  What we do often unfolds organically.  I think constant choreography of scenes would seem forced and contrived.

The article starts going wildly off the mark at this point, unfortunately, but with a common misconception that persists even in the BDSM community.  The notion that subs are ultimately in charge of play because of the use of safe words both ignores what would happen if a safe word gets abused and sweeps aside the skill, knowledge, and confidence of the dominant.  A submissive abusing a safe word betrays trust, too, and if it's used flippantly, the sub destroys the relationship.  Also, a good dominant knows how to persuade, how to push soft limits, and how to read the body language of the submissive.  He knows how to maintain control and flow of play.  The safe word does not exist to control play, but only to stop sensation that goes beyond the limit the submissive can take.  To say that this puts the submissive in charge not only ignores that fact that submissives (unless they're topping from the bottom) are eager to please the dominant, but also reveals ignorance of how domination works.  Most submissives will not simply submit to anyone; dominants must seduce them into it.  They must make activity that might be unpleasant under normal circumstances  reasonable, pleasurable, and desirable to the submissive (of course, masochists enjoy the pain--but it's still about context, as the article points out).

I don't disagree with how the article suggests getting into BDSM; I've given similar advice, and it's far better than the advice the professional dominatrix gave in the article I reviewed several weeks ago.  However, in the next section, there's some woefully inadequate information on how to begin playing.   I literally face-palmed at "If the latter, blindfolding the sub can be fun," in relation to B&D.  Discipline is the "D" in "B&D", which implies that some sort of discipline is involved in the play.  What could qualify as discipline...oh, I don't know...maybe spanking?  Anyway, take the advice in the "Learning the Ropes" section: visit websites, clubs, or classes.  Read a book--not fiction!  Fiction is great for fantasy, but artistic license or ignorance of the lifestyle can lead a person new to it down an unsafe path.  In any case, while you are learning about how people play, figure out what sounds hot to you, and start with those things.

The article ends on a reasonable and positive note, making a case for BDSM necessitating intimacy, which is healthy for relationships.  I definitely agree.  Although the author has limited understanding of how people play and how BDSM relationships work, his understand was good enough to recognize that it's not abuse, it's built on trust, it's not dehumanizing, and that it is fulfilling, intimate, and healthy.   Although I have some disagreements with the author, the article is a positive for BDSM overall.  It counteracts outdated notions about how mental disorders are responsible for why people participate in this kind of play.  It separates cruelty from the sadism that exists in the lifestyle.  Finally, it's nice to see someone who is clearly an outsider recognize that strong, loving bonds exist in the BDSM community, and that it's the nature of BDSM that is--at least partially-responsible.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Toy Review: Bondage Mittens


*Picture from Stockroom.com.  This product is available here.  

When I asked my slave what toy she liked the most out of the ones we currently have, she said, "I really like the bondage mittens."  I purchased these leather mittens on Stockroom.com.  They fit over her hands, then there are strings that draw them tight, and leather straps that adjust over a metal ring.  It did not come with locks; I purchased the locks I use with them.  They are one-size-fits all; my slave is skinny, so I have to tighten the straps most of the way for them to be secure, but they will open for larger wrists, fitting all subs, female or male.  

They make her feel helpless.  My little slave is an escape artist, so if she's left with her long, slender fingers free, she uses her flexibility and dexterity to untie herself.  With the bondage mittens, she's severely limited, so they make her feel far more vulnerable--and that's a huge turn-on for her.  For me, it keeps her hands out of the way when I put the pillow or shrink wrap over her face for our asphyxiation play, as well as when I choke her.  She can't grab my arms to try to pull them off.  She has had some success with pulling my hand off of her mouth long enough to take a breath when she's able to use both hands while I'm covering her mouth and nose with one hand, but with these mittens, she has no choice.  My hand is in place till she makes her safe sound or taps out.  

These mittens also have rings on the end, so they can easily be tied to something else, raising her arms overhead or spreading them apart to make her seem even more exposed and vulnerable.  We both love these mittens, and recommend them highly.  

Monday, May 19, 2014

Dark Fantasy 4: Blood on her lips


I had my slave tied to the bed, her wrists together, bound to the center bar in the head, her legs spread, tied to either side of the wrought-iron foot.  Her blond hair flowed out and around her head.  Her unmarked, pale skin represented a bare canvas that I would soon paint, from her graceful neck, to her small breasts with the perfect pink nipples, to her flat belly, the curve of her hips, her well-toned thighs.  I moved onto the bed, moved in close to her ear, and said, softly, firmly: "Have you ever been bitten hard enough that it broke skin?"

She gasped.  Blood was a hard limit, but she was used to threats.  Threats turned her on, and I never followed through on them.  I honored the hard limits, the safe words.  I often pushed the soft limits, though, and she would hold on as long as she possibly could before saying, "Master, I'm weak."  She didn't want to say she was weak.  She wasn't weak--not really, but her safe phrase ensured that she pushed herself as far as she could go, and it excited both of us. 

Tonight, though...tonight was different.  I felt primal.  Savage.  I wanted to mark her...differently.  So I moved to the flesh just above her collarbone and bit into it.  She moaned in pain.  I moved my hand to rub her clit, as I often did when I bit her.  Biting turned her on so much, especially when I growled.  I barely knew I was growling; it came naturally.  Tasting her flesh in my mouth, I wanted more.  I wanted blood.  Needed blood.  I bit harder.  

"Master, it hurts!" she cried, writhing and starting to take rapid, shallow breaths.  I bit harder.  I broke skin.  Tasted blood.  

No safe phrase.  

I let the blood trickle into my mouth, savoring the metallic flavor of it, then I released her flesh and kissed her, so she could share in the experience.  She parted her lips and our tongues slid over each other, both of us tasting and savoring her blood.  It clearly--and unexpectedly--turned her on. 

I moved to bite her again on the other side of her collarbone.  Again, she cried out in pain.  Again, her blood slowly filled my mouth, and again, I kissed her passionately.  I slid my finger from her clit into her pussy.  She was so wet.  My finger coated in her juices, I rubbed her clit hard.  In less than a minute, I heard, "Master, my I please cum?  Please?"  She was so sexy when she begged.  

I stopped rubbing her, denying her the pleasure.  It wasn't time yet.  I wanted it to be more intense when it happened.  She was clearly turned on by this play as much as her favorite things--breath play with shrink wrap or the pillow over her face, consensual non-consent, knife play (the threat; no blood)--so edging her would almost certainly make her squirt, as she did with the most intense orgasms.  

I bit her again, moving down from the first bite on her right side, repeating the kiss after the blood flowed into my mouth.  I kept the symmetry going, bite for bite, in vertical lines down each side of her body.  I bit her tits, her abdomen, her thighs.  As I bit my way down her body, blood trickling from each wound, I edged her.  I denied her each time.  I bit her labia, but I did not draw blood there.  I bit her clit, held it in my teeth, and I flicked it with my tongue.  She begged: "Master, may I please cum?  Please?  I want to cum so badly.  Please?"  I let her beg for a bit, then I said, "Cum for me, whore."

She came for me, arching her back, writhing, trying to pull away from my mouth, unable to with my hand holding her ass to keep her in place.  She came hard, fluid gushing from her in a stream, hitting the sheet to form a spreading wet spot, hitting my chin to soak my goatee.  I did not relent.  I kept my mouth on her through several orgasms, until it became too painful for her, and she said, "Master, I'm weak."  

I pulled away then, licked a wound on her thigh where blood was still trickling, then moved up to kiss her, blood and her juices mixed together in our mouths.  We kissed for awhile, one hand roaming her body, the other behind her head.  I smeared blood over her pale flesh, so where there weren't wounds, there was still red.  So beautiful.  So helpless.  So much more flesh to taste...but I wanted to enter her.  I wanted to fuck her while she was coated in her blood.

I untied her ankles, then tied her legs together, pushed them up, and entered her sensitive, soaking-wet pussy.  She moaned.  I thrust savagely, biting her ankles, putting my hands around her throat, squeezing.  She turned purple as she began to slip into unconsciousness.  I released her, shoved her head to the side, and grabbed her hair.  She recovered as I continued to thrust.  I choked her again, and this time, she squirted.  I felt the fluid hit my groin, soaking it.  I slammed into her, fucking her as hard as I could, faster.  When she recovered again, I put my hands around her throat for the last time.  As she turned purple, I came inside of her.  

I rolled off, untied her legs, and laid beside her as I untied her wrists.  I kissed her again.  Caressed her hair.  "I love you, my little slave."

"I love you, too, Master.  But...blood.  You drew blood."

I caressed her hair and said nothing.  I pulled her close and continued to caress her, continuing to say nothing.  We got out of bed and cleaned up, cleaning each of her wounds with antiseptic, then showering.  We went back to bed, and I simply held her close.  We never said a word about the blood again.  


Friday, May 16, 2014

The Master/slave dynamic

Recently, I touched on the various titles people use for themselves in BDSM relationships, but I did not go into a lot of detail.  It has become apparent that elaboration could be useful for those who don't understand what it means to be a Master or a slave, since people who are on the outside looking in believe it's all about misogyny and inequality, rather than an agreement entered with both consent and responsibility, not to mention trust and complete knowledge of what it meant.

First, not long after we first started talking, we established that not only was I completely dominant and she, completely submissive, but she also wanted to be a slave.  She wanted to submit 24/7 and relinquish control to someone capable of dominating her--someone who knew what he was doing, whom she could trust completely.  She wanted rules.  We read through a list of rules, and the idea of them turned her on, but not all of them were a good fit for us.  They were obviously written for a lifestyle philosophy that wasn't to our taste.  I did borrow from them; some of them were solid.  I also made up my own.  I came up with a list of fifty she is required to follow, and I am responsible for enforcing.  I drew up a contract, as well, that spelled out hard limits and my responsibilities.  Everything about signing the contract was voluntary, including the agreement to enter into permanent service, which she did on February 8, 2014.  At no point was she coerced.  We joke a lot about Stockholm Syndrome, but her relinquishing control of her body, of adopting my will over her own, was something she not only agreed to, but wanted wholeheartedly.

Secondly, there is no legal obligation here.  This ownership is symbolic, and based on her willingness to do what I say, when I say it.  She is allowed to leave my service whenever she wants, because there is nothing legal binding her to me.  No, there is nothing legal, but there is a strong emotional bond between us.  We've connected on so many levels, and we love each other.  Now, not every Master/slave relationship involves love, and there are people in the lifestyle who say that love destroys the Master/slave relationship.  They believe that love makes the Master reluctant to enforce rules...but I disagree, at least for my part.  I enforce rules because I love her, and because she loves me, she very rarely breaks them.  She has every desire to please me, and if she breaks a rule--which she rarely does--she expects to be punished.  Living by the rules means so much to her, that if I didn't enforce them, she'd wonder if I lost interest.  She'd think I don't care about her anymore.


Finally, even though there is a requirement to obey, I observe hard and soft limits.  I never cross the hard limits, and I honor her safe phrase if her soft limits get pushed to the point where she can't take more sensation (usually pain).  Some would say the power is hers as a result, but I disagree with this notion.  I say it's about consent, not power.  I still control the play and where it goes; the safe phrase is in place to ensure that I don't go beyond the point where the pain ceases to be pleasurable.  The safe phrase itself helps to push limits: "Master, I'm weak."  She doesn't want to say those words.  She isn't a a weak person, so when she acknowledges that she is weak before me, I know she's taken herself as far as she can possibly go, and it pleases me.

I want to elaboration more on this whole idea that is floating around out there about the submissive having all of the power.  The submissive must consent, or any play you have is rape.  However, dominance is all about the art of seducing a submissive into doing what you want, of bending her to your will.  Dominance is about persuasion, about eroticism, about finding out what makes her tick, reading the signs that she's turned on, and using it all to your advantage.  Domination, when done correctly, may be done in harsh tones or in a whisper.  It's about showing her (or him, but I will use "her" as the generic here) your strength, your confidence, your skill, and your knowledge.  It's about earning her respect and trusting what you do with her.  When we first started playing, I got her safe word often, because I was testing her limits.  Now, if I get it, I'm trying to get it on purpose; I know where her limits are and when I'm approaching them.

The flip side of the "power in submission" idea is the notion that she can say her safe phrase whenever she wants.  Yes, she can.  However, using the safe word flippantly is something she knows would displease me, and I have the option of telling her, "You can take more," to which she can reply with the safe phrase again, or she can use her hard stop safe word instead.  I've never heard her say "migraine".  In any case, the idea that the safe phrase will be abused as a stop to play because she just doesn't feel like it ignores the dynamic entirely.  She agreed to be ready for use whenever I like.  She agreed not to have a choice.  To use the safe phrase to stop play for no good reason would violate our rules, and violation of rules would merit punishment. The safe phrase is not there to stop my will.

We don't necessarily play how others do with the Master/slave dynamic.  For some, it's about complete objectification--which is hot during sex, but not practical when interacting with other members of the family.  For some, love is off limits, but that's obviously a different dynamic than ours.  Some consider slaves to be tradable property, but I consider her a priceless treasure, not to be shared or traded with anyone.  That's where our monogamy comes in; I am selfish when it comes to her.  I'm not insecure; rather, I value her so much, I don't want her touched by anyone else.  I also find the idea of multiple slaves undesirable and impractical, given how insatiable she is and how in love we are.  I'd neglect an additional slave, if I had one, I'm certain.

There are many types of slaves.  Mine is a sex slave and a domestic servant.  She is mine to use in any sexual manner I choose, and she is also there to tend to my household.  Think 1950s housewife.  She is into that idea completely.  She wants to clean, cook, do laundry, do the dishes--everything a the stereotypical 1950s housewife was expected to do.  She even likes the idea of dressing the part.  In private, she is required to be naked, or wear whatever clothing or accessories I want her to wear.  She is required to be available for any sexual act I choose, whether it is a spanking, a whipping, a paddling, forced orgasm, or penetration of any orifice.  She absolutely wants this life.  The more used and helpless she feels, the better.  The harder and rougher the use, the wetter she gets.  Her reactions feed my needs.  This life is definitely about both of us--not just me, and not just her.  We entered into it knowing what we wanted, knowing what our roles would be, and wanting them completely.  I didn't buy her.  I didn't coerce her.  I showed her my dominance, and she signed away her will and body as a result.  She gave herself as a gift to me, to enter forever into my service.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Squirting During BDSM Play

Several of the stories I've written here are true.  Every one of the BDSM Story entries are from nights my slave and I actually spent together.  Within those stories, I've mentioned her squirting here and there. It seems that there is some confusion and misinformation floating around about female ejaculation.  I want to clear up one of those myths, and I want to give circumstances under which my slave squirts to help those who may be able to do the same.

First of all, several people believe that the fluid women who squirt produce is actually urine.  Researchers have pointed to the Skene's gland as being responsible for production of the fluid.  In any case, the fluid itself has been tested, and it is clear that the fluid is not urine.   Some information on female ejaculation, including the fact that it's not urine, may be found here.

Secondly, there is some debate over whether or not all women can squirt.  It is quite possible that not all women can, but research on the subject remains elusive.  The article at the above link explains why, but to summarize, laboratory conditions make it difficult to reproduce the conditions under which women report they ejaculate during orgasm.  Given that compilations of the research show the numbers to range between ten and fifty percent of women who are able to ejaculate during orgasm, it's clear that more research needs to be done to determine just how many women have the ability and why.

Finally, the most common way women report that they ejaculate appears in many articles: g-spot stimulation.  Not every woman is aware of where the g-spot is, let alone whether they can squirt from its stimulation.  There is even some debate among researchers whether or not all women have a g-spot--a fact I found surprising.  If you stick a finger or toy in the vagina and press along the front wall (anterior), it will be a bit above where the clitoris is located on the outside.  At least, that's where it is on my slave, and on other women who report that they give themselves g-spot orgasm, or get them from their partners.  Still, researchers debate whether all women have this spot.  Again, it goes back to scarcity of research and, possibly, inadequate methods.

Researchers may continue to debate until they develop consistent methods to figure out whether all women have g-spots and whether they can squirt, but it is clear that my slave has both a g-spot and the ability to ejaculate during orgasm.  She told me that squirting was random with her before me, but I can get her to squirt pretty consistently.  The following are conditions under which she squirts during orgasm:


  • G-spot stimulation:  The first time I got my little slut to squirt, it was through g-spot stimulation.  She actually showed me to her g-spot, and I used the knowledge of it to bring her to more intense orgasms...but whether or not she squirted was random.  As it turned out, however, g-spot orgasm was not necessary, and certainly wasn't the most certain way to get her to squirt.
  • Edging:  I explained edging and how I use it in another article.  Briefly, edging is a method of making orgasms more intense by denying them a few times or perhaps several times, then following through with the orgasm.  She usually squirts on that first orgasm after edging, but if she doesn't, she will on the subsequent one.  It's very rare for her not to squirt under these circumstances.  
  • Multiple orgasms:  My slave is most definitely multi-orgasmic, and giving her orgasms relentlessly will almost guarantee squirting.  When I give her oral, she always squirts whenever I continue to stimulate her through several orgasms.  I've learned to shut my eyes and either exhale or hold my breath when she cums, because she has squirted directly into my eyes and my nostrils before.  
  • Intense play:  Breath play, choking, consensual non-consent, knife play, and biting combined with stimulation have all caused my slave to squirt, and it's been pretty consistent.  The more intense the play, the more likely she is to squirt.  
So...why make her squirt?  It's clear that when she ejaculates during orgasm, she is having an intense one, and when she has intense orgasms, her reactions are exquisite to me as a sadist.  The sadist in me loves that they strongly resemble pain reactions...and with enough orgasms, there is pain.  I've gotten her safe phrase from giving her many orgasms in a row, especially from oral stimulation.  As her Master and lover, I enjoy that she experiences intense pleasure, as well as pain in most cases, which feeds the masochist in her.  



Sunday, May 11, 2014

BDSM relationship dynamics

When a person first enters the BDSM lifestyle and begins to explore the various relationship dynamics, it can be confusing and daunting.  So many people use titles in different ways, play in different ways, mean different things when they use the same words, that it's difficult to discern with clarity where people stand and how they play.  The best policy is to never assume, but to listen and try to understand.  There are some general combinations where the titles will give away who is dominant and who is submissive, but the lines can be blurred when people switch or top from the bottom.  In any case, I will attempt to talk about the titles and what they mean to different people.

Master/Mistress:  Usually, the titles, "Master" and "Mistress", will be combined with "slave" as "Master/slave" or "Mistress/slave", but it's not necessarily the case.  Some people assume that "Master" and "Mistress" are what people in the lifestyle use if they're dominant, so they adopt the title, simply on the premise that they desire to be dominant, or that they think they like the idea of dominance.  It's difficult to fault them; if someone likes a title, and it fulfills them to hear it from a partner's lips, who can say that they're wrong to do it?

These titles, however, mean something completely different to people who have been in the lifestyle for years, and follow particular protocols based on certain philosophies.  Some philosophies require certain levels of training and experience in order for someone to earn them.  Some titles come automatically when someone enters a certain lifestyle and determines whether he or she is dominant or submissive.  Many try the titles on for size as they hear them from their partners.  I am in the latter category.  My slave offered up the title of Master, and it sounded natural, coming from her.  It never really had before, and I had trouble using it when so many people took it lightly among people I knew in the past.  I embrace it now.  I own it now.

I should note that I have a friend who uses "Master" in a completely different way, and it's completely valid, of course.  His partner is not a slave, not a submissive, but something else entirely.  Once again, it's best not to assume.  However, the vast majority of the time, "Master" and "Mistress" mean that the person is a dominant, whatever way they live the lifestyle.


Sir/Ma'am:  It is usually safe to assume that someone who prefers to be called "Sir" or "Ma'am" is a dominant in the lifestyle.  There are few exceptions I can think of, other than switches who have entered into a relationships with partners who have assumed the role of submissive, at least most of the time.  What the submissive is called in the relationship will vary with each person.  There's no assumption that may be made there.

Some people who use "Sir" or "Ma'am" use it to distinguish themselves from people who have more experience in the lifestyle.  Some people simply prefer these titles because they sound more natural.

Dom/Domme/Domina:  These are simply titles for male and female dominants.  Their submissives will often call them by other titles during play, however.  People call themselves "Dom" or "Domme" to make it abundantly clear that they are BDSM dominants.

Sadist/masochist:  Sadists and masochists are people who get off on pain.  People often--surprisingly, at least to me--confuse the two.  To be clear, a sadist is the person who inflicts pain, whether physical or psychological or both; the masochist is on the receiving end.  It would seem to some that the sadist is the dominant and the masochist is the submissive, but this is not a safe assumption.  They could be completely equal, as far as they're concerned.  A masochist--or a sadist, for that matter, although I find it to be rare--can top from the bottom in order to feed his or her desire to receive pain.  I happen to be a sadistic dominant, but I have had one sexual relationship where my masochist wasn't truly a submissive.  I strongly prefer submission, though I often seek women who normally assume the dominant role and dominate them, just for the challenge.  Though not every dominant woman has a secret desire to be submissive--not by a long shot--I have met several who do, but simply couldn't find a man who was up to the challenge.  My slave--the woman I love and plan to marry--never assumed the dominant role in the BDSM lifestyle, but displays dominance in other aspects of her life (so do many other submissives, actually).

Switch/switch:  Some switches find each other and trade off the roles.  One might be more dominant than the other, and they'll play accordingly.  Some will very occasionally switch; some will switch often.  Some will find a dominant or submissive, and switch with yet another person.  That's one thing about the lifestyle: it's not limited to monogamous couples.  People have open relationship..  People can be polyamorous.


Daddy/little girl/babygirl:  I will start out by saying that I don't allow this particular dynamic in my secret group on Facebook.  Most people there aren't into it, and when posts from people who adopted this dynamic basically took over the group's feed, participation dropped off from people who either weren't into it, or found it downright distasteful.  If group participation hadn't fallen off from other people, I would have continued to tolerate it, because whatever happens between consenting adults is their business, right?  But the threat was there of me and my slave becoming the admins of a DD/lg and DD/bg group.  We weren't having that.  It makes my slave's skin crawl, because she had someone try to push it on her, when she said several times that it wasn't her thing and didn't feel right.  I had a submissive beg me to let her call me by the title, and I refused.  I have a daughter who calls me "Daddy", and I'm not taking the innocence of that away by having a sexual partner refer to me as such.  We did a purge of this dynamic, and group participation increased.  My personal feelings did not come into play here.  Group cohesion was my concern.

I will not pretend to understand why people choose this dynamic.  My observation is that it's not always about incest play or age play.  In some cases, the "Daddy" is simply a nurturing dominant who takes care of the submissive (who is not always called a "little" or "babygirl") in every way, as a father might for a daughter.  In some cases, incest fantasy is involved.  Age play is involved.  Littles and babygirls talk about "regressing" to certain ages.  Whatever the case, it's not my kink, and my honest opinion is that it's distasteful to use a parental nickname for a sexual partner.  There, I said it.

The many ways people play: The ways people live out their dynamics vary as much as the titles they use for themselves.  Some people just assume roles as dominants and submissives in general ways.  Some verbally agree to rules, or make them up as they go along.  Some are far more formal, and will write them down, even signing contracts after negotiating their kinks.  Some have mentors and go through training for years, whatever role they choose.  Some live out roles according to their fandoms.

What's the best way to play?  Whatever works for you.  The only rule I think should apply to everyone is that play be between consenting adults.