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Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Being A Better Dominant

There are so many ways to play, and this post isn't about telling you how. In this post, I am going to attempt to give tips on how to be a better Dominant without sounding like I'm arrogant (i.e., better than you). We have capable Dominants out there in the world, and I'm not saying that I'm the prime on among us. However, I think there are some general things on which we may all agree that can help those who are newer to the lifestyle. 
The first thing you must understand about being Dominant is that you must be good at communication. You have to know how to ask questions, how to listen, how to persuade, how to seduce with words and actions. You have to learn body language and breathing patterns. You have to be a consultant, and the mark of a good consultant involves not only listening, but also anticipating needs and desires. It means knowing the world of kink and understanding that if the sub likes x, he or she may also like y. There's so much to communication, it could be its own post.
The second thing that makes a Dominant better is creativity. Variety is at the heart of kink, it seems, and keeping things fresh and interesting takes thought and effort. If you're not willing or able to put creative thought toward your play, you probably won't have the best time. I also assert that the best times come when the effort doesn't feel like effort at all.
Thirdly, my experience has taught me that rules and structure matter. Play however you want, but for the most part, your sub wants to know where he or she stands, and what constitutes a broken rule and proper behavior. You don't have to be as rigid as some are with rules, but establishing boundaries and rules help keep a sub comfortable. A sub who doesn't know the rules will be constantly on edge and stressed. While keeping a sub guessing, on edge, and stressed might appeal to a psychological sadist or even certain masochists, it really can cross the line into abuse easily, and should be avoided in the majority of cases. I improvised and played it by ear very early on, and I found subs simply couldn't take it. Trust was difficult to maintain.
The mention of trust brings me to the next thing: establishing trust itself. These items are in no particular order of importance, because they are all important, but trust is huge in a BDSM relationship. Trust comes from confidence, honesty, reassurance, and loyalty. Mean what you say and follow through on it. Be confident with your words and in application of your skill, or it will show. Reassure your sub with aftercare and by sticking to established rules, not to mention strict adherence to safe words/phrases. Never ignore a safe word. Stay loyal--you don't have to be in a monogamous relationship, but if you are in a poly situation, you must be open about who you're with and where each person stands.
This list keeps growing...and it needs to, because so much goes into domination.
Yet another thing a dominant needs is education. Safety education and skill development represent key elements to enjoyable play. Early on, I went completely on what made sense to me and took cues from my masochist. My first masochist didn't really care about her safety, though--and that's never good. I'm glad I had the sense and control to keep myself from sending her to the ER or ending up in prison myself. In any case, learn absolutely as much as you can. Read about the experiences of others. Know anatomy. Find classes if you can. I honed my skill on someone who could handle the pain of mistakes, and I'm not recommending you do it that way.
Learn what kind of dominant you are. There are several types. You don't have to be into pain to be a dominant. You can be into nurturing and taking over the decision-making of your sub. You can be into seduction. You can be into rough sex. You could be into bondage and discipline. You could be into the Master/slave relationship. There are all kinds of ways to play, and you can explore different ways...but getting an idea by reading about the experiences of others--of real people, not fictional characters--will give you an idea of what direction to take at the start. I have known what I wanted to be from a very early age, but I don't expect everyone else to be that certain so young. I've always been a sadist. I have not always been a Master. I had no choice but to be in control, because I can't have people in authority over me (believe me, if I had a boss looking over my shoulder, I would have to seek different employment--my aversion to authority is that strong).
Finally, don't be arrogant. Don't assume that just because you want to be dominant, you deserve submission from someone. Submission is something that you earn, that someone gives you willingly because you are worthy of it, not something you can simply take.
Dominance is something that is a part of you. You can learn skills, safety, kinks, and everything there is to know about the lifestyle, but you have to have the personality traits to be a dominant. Someone can mentor you, but it must be in you for mentoring to make a difference.  You might not be dominant right away, but with hard work and desire, you can gain the skill and gain confidence in the role.  

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