Checking in with your submissive and safe words for dominants?

I've been active in the BDSM lifestyle in one capacity or another for nearly two decades, with interest starting much earlier.  I would have thought, due to my interaction with others in the community, that I would have heard about dominants giving other dominants advice regarding "checking in" with one's sub when inflicting pain or having safe words for the dominant, but I've only recently heard this advice.

I'm here to tell you that the advice sucks, at least how it's been presented to me.

Two things important in domination, in my experience, are continuity of play and consistency of mood.  There are many other qualities a dominant must have, but these two things in particular die quickly when a dominant frequently stops play to ask, "Are you okay?  Did that hurt?  Are you going to have a panic attack?"  I've heard of people actually playing this way, and--no surprise at all--the subs have been thoroughly disappointed.  It makes for awkward, boring, unsatisfying play, and it makes the dominant appear inexperienced and foolish.

If that's the advice mentors are giving out there, they need to stop, and they need to stop now, for the sake of the lifestyle and the sake of submissives' fulfillment.  It makes them look like they lack confidence, and that will kill any intimate human interaction.  Confidence is a huge turn-on for submissives with dominants, and when you look timid, you will both have a bad time.

Here's my advice for when you're playing with a new sub:

• Communicate.  Find out your new/potential partner's soft and hard limits, and ask specific questions about experience.  I've said this much in a previous article, but it bears repeating here: treat it like a behavioral interview, and look specifically for real-life examples of the experience the person claims.  This really goes for both submissives and dominants, not just dominants looking for submissives.  
• Start light.  I've been able to gauge the women I've been with pretty well, unless they've lied about their experiences, but I always do some warm-up strokes, whether it's with my bare hand or with an implement.  Usually, I will warm a sub up with my bare hand.  If I get the safe phrase out of her off of warm-up strokes, I know she's not into pain as much as she's said or as much as she thought, and we need to move on to other things.  
• Don't break continuity or mood.  There is nothing wrong with rubbing the body part you've just spanked, caned, whipped, flogged, or bitten, giving the submissive time to register the pain, regain composure, and steel herself/himself for the next blow.  This method is better than a verbal prompt, because a verbal prompt not only requires a break in continuity and mood, but it also implies that the submissive has a clear choice to stop, taking away part of the thrill of play.  Submissives always have the choice to say a safe word (or should, if you're not a psychopathic dominant), but the illusion of not having a choice or having to plead to put a stop to the torment is a huge turn-on for most subs.  Unless the submissive is clearly in distress, there's no reason to stop play to ask her flat out if she's okay.
• Display confidence at all times.  Having at least a rough idea of how your scene is going to go will help with confidence, but whatever you have to do, maintain that impression that you have it.  You really should if you want to dominate, anyway; lack of confidence sticks out like a sore thumb in the bedroom or the dungeon.  Don't be timid.  Approach your play with confidence.  She's not going to break, unless you're hitting her in a spot where you can damage vital organs or you're hitting her with something that can do massive tissue damage or break bones.  

The worst sessions I've heard about involved dominants--would be male Doms, specifically--who constantly asked, "Are you all right?"  Unless you've pushed a non-masochist into the role of a masochist, you really shouldn't have to ask this question.  Submission does not have to be all about sadomasochism.  It happens to be my favorite type of play, but it's not for everyone.  Also, if you're involving discipline as part of your rule enforcement or play, and your submissive is not a masochist, you should take it somewhat easy.  The simple act of recognizing that a rule has been broken is often punishment on its own for one who is submissive by nature.  The submissive wants to please the dominant; knowing that displeasure has been the result of one's actions should fill the submissive with guilt and shame, if the dominant is worthy of this person's submission and respect.  The discipline is a formal way of driving home that the dominant has been displeased.  It needn't be harsh for a non-masochist.  It only needs to be enough.

The next tip I've heard mentioned recently--but not early on in my activities in the lifestyle--is this notion that dominants need to have safe words for themselves.  The most solid argument I've heard for having a safe word is to bring a sub out of sub-space, to let her/him know that play has to be over, because for whatever reason, the dominant has had enough--medical concern, entering into dark territory he/she doesn't want to face...

But I don't see the point.  You're the dominant.  You're in control of the play.  You can stop it at anytime, no special words or phrases needed.  Do you really think a submissive is going to remain permanently in sub-space if you stop what you're doing?  It's a ludicrous notion.  Stop play and express your concerns.  If your submissive is in an altered state of mind, ease your sub out of it.  Untie her/him, caress, hold...in other words start aftercare.  This notion that you have to have a special phrase to stop play as a dominant is utterly alien and ridiculous to me.  Several attempts have been made to explain it, and no one seems to be able to provide specific, legitimate examples of where safe words for dominants would be necessary.  It's been vague statements like, "You have to expect the unexpected," and it's been driving me nuts.  

Whatever I've said here, play how you feel comfortable playing, but experience tells me that you don't need to stop play verbally in the vast majority of cases, if not all.  That's why the sub has a safe word.  You don't need one, and you don't need to keep asking about the sub's well-being during play.  That's what aftercare is for--reassuring the sub and making she he/she is okay.