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Saturday, April 5, 2014

Correcting advice from a professional dominatrix

My slave shared an article with me because it seemed like it would be a humor gold mine, and to some degree it is, but to a much larger degree, it is irresponsible advice.
First of all, never take advice from a professional dominatrix. Some may disagree with me, but let me qualify it by saying never take advice from a professional dominatrix in the United States. They are hookers. They are not into the lifestyle and are playing a role. They are paid to do what their submissives ask of them.
Now this dominatrix, Mistress Darcy, claims to teach classes. If she is teaching classes with the advice in this article, then she needs to be stopped, or at least have her information countered loudly and often.
Anyway, anyone who thinks 50 Shades of Grey is any sort of guide to the lifestyle knows nothing about it and needs to get responses from people who are actually living it.
One more point about hookers posing as dominatrices: it is fucking easy to make a living off of desperate, submissive men. When I was actively looking for encounters as a Sadist dominant, I was propositioned DAILY. This statement is not to say that all male subs are easy to dominate, but it is easy to make money if you are a dominant for men. If only I were bi...
I'm going to go through this article point by point.
1. Mistress Darcy's advice: "First of all, it's important to understand the role you will play in a real life Fifty Shades fantasy. Are you interested in exploring your dominant or submissive side? Or both, which, in that case, is called a 'switch'?"
Master Greg's advice: If you don't know anything about the lifestyle yet, there are plenty of resources online for people actually living the lifestyle, where people who are new to it can lurk to find information, then interact by asking questions. There are safety resources. Books you can get on Amazon and elsewhere. There are Facebook groups. Don't just "decide". Look at kinks and see what interests you. Fetish sites are great for learning your kinks, because they have you pick the kinks you're interested in, and you may have to look some of them up. You'll learn quickly.
2. Mistress Darcy's advice: "Start by reading more about bondage domination/domination submission or by watching kinky movies. 'Talk with your partner about the things that interest you,' advises Mistress Darcy. 'Or read it together, maybe do a book club thing. Go off and read it on your own. Come back and talk about what interested each of you and together agree, 'Oh we both liked the part where the girl got her hands tied behind her back.'"
Master Greg's advice: By all means, read, but stay clear of fictional material when you are getting into the lifestyle. Stay way from movies, too. They are fantasy, not fact. These are professional actors, not people living the lifestyle. Some things they do might not be safe, or they can be safe under controlled conditions, but only with experience and knowledge you don't have as a beginner. Read non-fiction books or talk to people in the lifestyle. There are groups probably local to you that meet and demonstrate various forms of play. They are your best and most responsible source of information, for the most part.
You should be talking to your partner about your kinks and negotiating rules, safe words, and, well, everything before you begin playing. BE HONEST, most of all. Don't say you're into something if you're simply interested and haven't done it yet.
3. Mistress Darcy's advice: "Invest in some toys. Since bondage equipment can be quite pricey, start by buying an inexpensive, $5 pair of handcuffs or a silk sash. 'Try it the next night,' she says. 'If it really worked for you, use the handcuffs until they break and then you buy a more expensive pair.'"
Master Greg's advice: By all means, invest in toys--AFTER you learn about the lifestyle and know what you're getting into.
4. Mistress Darcy's advice: Not everyone is up for the direct approach. 'So if you are a little bit on the shy or ashamed side when it comes to sex stuff, don’t talk about it at all,' she advises. 'Just simply bring it into the bedroom the next time you start to have sex. Without speaking about it, just slip the little bonds over your wrists and carry on.'
It's a great way to introduce it in the heat of the moment. And what's he gonna say? Stop! Turn on the lights! Unlikely. 'Talk about it afterwards,' she says. 'He may say, 'You know, that kinda really didn't work for me. I wish I was the one that had my hands tied!’ Or ‘I really loved it. Let’s do it again.’ Or you don’t talk about it and you just keep doing it again and again, bringing in more and more gear every time you have sex.'"
Master Greg's advice: NO, NO, FUCKING NO! No. Don't sneak BDSM into the bedroom. At all. First of all, I have been in this lifestyle for 18 years. I have talked to literally hundreds of people (not that I had encounters with them all). I can't tell you how many have told me that they have presented the idea or actual toys to their partners, and their partners called them "weird", "freak", or "whore" (not in the good sense), and sometimes broke up with them. You can't spring this on people. Not everyone is into it. In fact, not many are into much beyond light bondage and light spanking.
5. Mistress Darcy's advice: You can also just lay a bunch of bondage accessories on the bed for your partner to see when he comes in. 'When he asks what it's about and what it’s for, I don’t think you need to say anything. Just say it is what it is and ask him what he thinks about it,' she instructs.
Master Greg's advice: This is monstrously dumb advice, especially in light of the fact that she just advised you not to spend much on equipment off the bat. And again, never spring kink on the unwary or uninitiated.
If you want to "spring" kink on a partner, here is what you do: go to a fetish site like Fetlife or Alt.com (I would not advise staying at alt.com, but their kink survey is much better organized and pretty thorough), and go through the stuff there with your partner. You could even present it as "something funny you found on the internet," and you can say things like, "Oooh, that would be interesting," or "Oh, that actually makes me hot," and then you can find out whether your partner is into it.
6. Mistress Darcy's advice: "Many people do not understand corporal punishment," explains Mistress Darcy. "It's the standard term for being hit on your butt whether it's with your hand, a flogger, or a cane. But people who have not experienced it themselves don’t understand what it does for somebody else. There are several aspects that make it erotic. One is the idea of being overpowered and punished. Some people really get off on the discipline."
But there is a right way and a wrong way to spank, she warns. If you just start hitting someone at full force, it's more likely to terrify than titillate. "I teach couples the proper warmup and get them to a point where the chemicals in their brain take the experience from painful to pleasurable," she says. "And then, I am telling you, it is possible to reach a state of euphoria from simply being spanked that you've never felt before on your first time if you know what you are doing."
a. A proper warmup is essential, especially for someone who doesn't have a lot of experience with corporal punishment.
b. You want to get blood to the surface of the skin because the more red your skin is, the more blood that is flowing, the less it is going to hurt, and the more pain you are going to be able to take. You can rub it, pat it, do light taps, or squeeze. You can alternate between light and harder touches gradually building up the intensity.
Master Greg's advice: I will not disagree with this advice, but I will add that breathing is really important. Making sure that you have plenty of oxygen in your system; it will help your natural painkillers work.
I honestly have problems with her teaching a class, because almost all of her advice is irresponsible, and this one bit of advice is common sense (a broken clock is right twice a day). I do have my doubts that first-timers will find euphoria, but whatever. She can be an optimist if she wants.
7. Mistress Darcy's advice: A lot of moms have almost forgotten about their sexual identity after they have kids. "If you are saying to yourself that you are too stressed out and how are you supposed to make time for sex, well, hello, sex eases stress," says Mistress Darcy. "So you are doing yourself and your career a favor by just relaxing a couple hours a week at minimum. You can even do a 20-minute quickie spanking before breakfast."
**Just never leave your tools around for the kids to see. Some of them are weapons, after all.
Master Greg's advice: I can't disagree with this. I still think hookers shouldn't be considered professional dominatrices. Is that a cheap shot? Yeah, but she deserves it.
8. Mistress Darcy's advice: Mistress Darcy recommends a collar and a leash, rope for bondage, a blindfold, wrist cuffs, panties for him or her, vibrator, dildo, ball gag, clothespins, or pegs, flogger, paddle, and chastity belt for the submissive male.
Master Greg's advice: This is a BDSM "starter kit" this hooker recommends. I say that you should learn about fetishes and tailor all of your equipment to your fetishes. Get the ones you know you're interested in using first, then introduce new toys as you go along. This advice, once again, contradicts her earlier advice on buying a cheap pair of cuffs or a silk sash.
Don't waste your money before you discuss hard limits and kinks. Seriously. What the fuck. I facepalmed so much.
9. Mistress Darcy's advice: It's not always about tools and toys. On a basic level, domination/submission (or Ds) is a power exchange. "You can get inside their head, making someone feel erotically inferior to you," she says. The best part is, it's not limited to the bedroom.
She suggests coming up with sexy exchanges you can even do at the breakfast table that no one else will notice. "Ds is a lot about codes and a language you develop with your partner," says Mistress Darcy. "You could have it worked out that a certain look means something to you."
For instance, if your husband looks at you a certain way and then looks at something on the floor, that means pick it up and bend down in front of him so he can get a glimpse of your rear. "That kind of interaction can be completely erotic," she says. "If he taps his coffee mug when it is empty, that means get me some coffee you saucy little minx. Or exchange text messages at work with a key phrase like, 'I am coming home in three hours and I want you to be ready for me.' Super easy and super fun."
Master Greg's advice: Here's a phrase that shouldn't be used: "erotically inferior." I'll accept "erotically submissive", but never "erotically inferior". You might be a sub, but that doesn't mean you're less important to the sexual relationship. That's just a bullshit phrase.
Maybe I'm arguing semantics here, but it's an important point. Submission is a choice. You choose to give your will and your body to someone else for purposes of sex, domestic servitude, or whatever reason you have, and that person chooses to put effort, creativity, time, and skill into making your experience erotic--but your contribution doesn't end there, if you're more than a doormat. You use your skill to be alluring, to entice your partner into doing things with you. You dress in a sexy way. You might surprise your partner with toys that interest him or her. You are not inferior, even if you are subordinate.
I do agree that a D/s relationship involves psychological play, and it can be completely about submitting your will to another, and not about torment. But her example is so fucking cheesy. Ugh. It isn't a fetish site, though. Probably had to make it PG, even though they're talking about sex, damn it.
Master Greg's final word: Never use Twilight fan fiction that has as its main character a psychopath with mommy issues as your guide into the BDSM lifestyle. Any real dominant worth a shit isn't going to steer you into the lifestyle based on your love of fiction.

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