I was in a conversation the other night, and we were talking about the search for Dominants and submissives. The person, a submissive female, mentioned that Dominants are less numerous than subs, it seems. I offered that dominance takes a certain personality, time, a skill set, and a good deal of effort, mental and physical. She pointed out that there are lot of men who claim to be Doms who aren't, and it probably goes both ways--that there are not-so-great subs, as well.
That's true. It does go both ways. There can be bad subs as well as bad Doms. I've run into them. They don't have to just be there; they have to be honest. They should contribute ideas. They should be willing to learn and explore, and when a kink isn't a good fit, they should be willing to say so.
I see a major part of a Dominant's role (male or female) as that of a consultant. The best way to get to know a sub--and to get her to know herself, if she's new to the lifestyle--is to ask questions, pertinent and numerous. Here's where a sub is made or broken, usually: if she lies about her experience, she's going to have a bad time. Liking the idea of a kink is vastly different than actually having experienced it. I've had a couple subs tell me that they've done things, that they enjoyed them, and when I started doing those things--and easing into them, mind you--they used their safe phrases immediately.
So...my advice to Dominants is to ask a lot of questions, and choose subs who give specific answers and examples, as an employee does in a behavioral interview.
My advice to subs looking for Dominants is to only go for someone who asks questions--or at least is open to answering them. Let's not forget that there are first-time Dominants out there. Experienced subs can bring out kinks from new Dominants, as well.
Mentoring from another Dominant works for some who are new to the role, and finding classes on safety and technique can be helpful. Not every Dominant needs classes or a mentor, but every Dominant should be willing to learn...and if you're into truly dangerous play, it's best to learn as much as you can to save yourself a trip to the ER, or worse: prison.
Submissives should seek out more experienced submissives to talk about experiences and what to look for in Dominants, as well.
Above all, seek the play you want.
Don't rule out exploration of switching, for example, if the idea of changing roles excites you.
Don't allow other people to tell you there's a "true" way to be in the BDSM lifestyle. This kind of nonsense irks me to no end. As long as your play is with one or more consenting adults, it's safe, and it's sane ("sane" has a bit of a blurry definition, I suppose), play how you want. There are strict protocols/philosophies out there, and if that appeals to you, by all means, follow them, but don't limit yourself to what someone tells you is the only correct way...because that's a lie.
Spotting a fake isn't always easy. Psychopaths are very good at appearing to be all things to all people. Simple frauds are easier to spot, but sometimes it takes actual play to figure them out. That can be a problem if the dominant doesn't honor safe words. Here are a few red flags:
--Lack of care about limits
--Lack of communication, especially questions about experience, kinks, fantasies, and limits
--Expectation of immediate submission
--Upon a sub's refusal, there is guilt-tripping and shaming. Example: "A real sub would try that just once out of respect for her Dom."
I strongly recommend joining a fetish site, learning about kinks, and interacting with real people in the lifestyle. Do not learn this stuff from fiction or from professional porn.
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