On Sadism

I identify as a sadist.  Before I get into what I mean by that term, I would like to throw out the definitions and misconceptions that exist, then define myself.  

The dictionary defines "sadist" as:

sa·dist

 [sey-dist, sad-ist]  Show IPA

noun

1.

Psychiatry. a person who has the condition of sadism, in which one receives sexual gratification from causing pain and degradation to another.

2.

a person who enjoys being cruel.

The psychiatric definition above gets close to my own understanding of the term, but it falls short, because it's not just the causing of pain and/or degradation to another that gives me sexual gratification.  This definition discards the need for reactions.  The reactions from pain, from intense pleasure, and from tickling all provide sexual gratification, not just the infliction of pain or the degradation of another human being.

In terms of the BDSM lifestyle, the second definition should not apply to a healthy relationship.  Certainly, sadists who simply enjoy being cruel exist, and seek partners from the BDSM community.  However, they often do not seek consent, and as such, enter into abusive relationships where the pleasure only goes one direction.

One misconception that exists regarding sadism manifests itself in descriptions of serial killers.  The cruelty of some of their rituals should not be considered sadism, because they get no sexual gratification from their acts.  Some might, but in most cases, the serial killers described aren't killing because they are getting off sexually; they are filling another perceived need, and it shouldn't be mixed in with the sadism that exists in the BDSM community.

I've been a sadist as long as I can remember, sexually speaking.  My first erection came from watching a movie where a woman was tied up and struggling as she was about to be burned at the stake.  My sexual gratification ended when they started to burn her, because it was the struggling, not the act of killing, that turned me on.  I sought those reactions as soon as I became sexually active, but I didn't really get what I needed until I was 23.  That's when I finally had my first experience with a masochist.  She really didn't have limits (which is a red flag in the BDSM community--it violates the safe, sane, and consensual rule), so I did things to her that would turn the stomachs of most dominants in the community.  I had her in tears every session.

As I involved myself with the community, I learned more about safety, and I refined my skills.  I sought a healthy relationship, rather than one where I could end up going too far and end it with a trip to the ER or the morgue.  I learned that I could find the reactions I sought without inflicting excruciating pain, with women who didn't need to be permanently scarred or injured to give me the reactions I wanted.  My mind goes to dark places, but some of those places are best left in fantasy.

To me, the ideal relationship for a sadist is with a masochist who has great reactions.  Both partners get the gratification they need, and the relationship is not abusive.  Aftercare helps both partners stay grounded in reality, and it builds trust, as well as a feeling of safety.  It strengthens the bond, and, if the partners love each other, builds their chemistry as well.  Also, quite importantly, it keeps them from bringing fantasies into play that could prove too dangerous.

Some of us revel in darkness, but there two kinds: the first is the kind where dark things creep, scary monsters live, and nobody can hear you scream.  The second is the one that embraces you, that makes your sleep come easier and go deeper, that allows you to hide the secrets of your sexual desire from the rest of the world, and keep them intimate.  I have been in both.  I've been the scary monster in the first kind of darkness.  I prefer the second.  It's healthier.  It's less lonely.  It's more fun with a partner who can share in your revelry.